Almost a Love Story

We started as very good friends. We went to the same university, we belonged to the same organization. We both studied communication, I majored journalism while she concentrated on speech communication. She’s always at the top of the class. Sometimes, I served as her sidekick, critic, scrutinizer, pessimistic buddy. I seldom appreciate her, until now.

I used to be the alaskador, the one pissing her off mostly. I deprived her of affirmation which I learned to do after series of leadership camps. Few words of endearment are not expected to come from me. But I was one of the privileged few who could dare give “sound” advice. I really wasn’t the sweetest friend she had. But I think I was one of the most concerned when it comes to her welfare and being.

We’ve been together as block mates for four years, while six years and counting as best friends. That long friendship made me wonder if our relationship can extend beyond friends. I never really told her my true feeling, until one time when I so enjoyed her company, I attempted to express my feeling. That’s one of my courageous moves, but ironically turned out to be the most coward act of mine. I failed to be true to my words, I lacked action, I was faithless. I never really pursued her. I never made efforts to show how much I cared for her. I did not win her heart.

I told myself I would wait for her. It’s my self-covenant, between me and my heart, my patience versus my desire, my faith versus pride, that no matter what, I would wait for her. But again, my foolishness! She never knew I was waiting, she never knew I wanted her heart. I assumed she knew that I cared for her. Maraming namamatay sa maling akala. Indeed, my heart died after she got committed in a relationship with somebody few months later.

My heart broke into pieces. It’s my first time to be so hurt emotionally. I realized how much I loved her, but it was too late. I became so depressed I hurt myself as well. I did crazy things, madly crazy I almost lost my faith in God. I resorted to seeking happiness with worldly friends. That was the time my drinking of alcohol perked up. It was also the time when I got into smoking, into bars, into exploring my curiosity. I was downhearted, dispirited. I missed God’s direction for me. It was hard for me to affirm my purpose and goal in life. It seemed everything collapsed with her absence and commitment with somebody else.

But I am now okay. Few months of moving on made me a better person, I believe. I never blame her for what I’ve gone through. It was my entire fault, it was all my cowardice, it was all me to blame.

Honestly, I could say I am glad for her new love journey. Kung saan siya masaya, masaya na rin ako. She taught me a lot, I learned a lot, and I know, when the time comes that I’ll be ready for a relationship, I will make sure that I will really mean it. I’ll be more careful now with my words, and so with my actions. I don’t want to practice and have some warm-ups in looking for a girl. I want committed relationship. I love to say, it’s just there, but I also believe I should make it come true. It requires effort, action, determination, guts, prayer, faith.

This is my short “almost a love story.” I’ll tell you my love story, sooner. †

- From Anonymous (hehe)