In pursuit of happiness

I can no longer write. They say just write through streams of consciousness but my shattered thoughts kept me nowhere. I can’t even figure out what topic to write, what feeling is outstanding, what emotion drives me in sanity. I can’t focus. I can’t even smile, and worst, I want to cry yet no tears seem to fall down.

I crave to express what my soul wishes to articulate. My soul so longs for happiness, for pleasure, for ecstasy. It seems boredom has been tired to replace my melancholy. Happiness has no effect with my desire to be satisfied. How elusive happiness is for people who just want to make sense of earthly blessings promised to be available for those predestined by the Creator?

I don’t want to be desperate in pursuit of happiness. I just want to feel and lavish it. I just want to be satisfied knowing who I am, no insecurity, just fulfilled. Do I have to search for it, or I just have to wait for it? Or do we have to settle on the opinion that happiness is not for everyone? Why do I put questions about happiness? Is it not the answer to one’s misery and discontentment?

I let other people define what happiness is. And I sense, they’re also in search for it:

What is happiness? Does it exist? If it does, why, then, crying is essential to most of us mortals? Maybe happiness is just an idea that we ought to be felt; thus we invented this word and included in our memory bank. I guess we invented it for the sake of trying to feel it.
In every song and in every poetry, there is always an epitome of happiness. (Allister)

At times I find happiness within my solitude but being alone wasn’t enough. This comes in every bit of something that we don’t expect and most of the times, being ignored. One thing is for sure, it comes with fulfillment. I know I’m not yet there but who knows maybe soon. (Darix)

I heard it many times that death is the gateway to happiness. And some philosophical fools would just commit suicide to experience it, and prove that happiness exists. But such foolishness I will never do, because I believe that life on earth should be like you tasted heaven as if your first time you kiss goodbye.

I hope one day my queries on happiness would come into halt. I hope one day I would find the answer from other people, because I am already desperate that I couldn’t discover it myself. I hope one day someone, somebody, will just be my happiness. Good thing, my Lord is not only my happiness, but my joy. †

Place of ministry

I’ve been longing for a specific area where I could participate in the ministry of God. After reckoning that I still have ample time despite the nature of my job, I can’t still find myself acting in motion. I don’t want to take the initiative because I know in my heart that my passion has been consumed and needs refreshing. I just want first to observe, explore, test the waters. I don’t want to be double-minded, unstable of everything I do.

Start where you are. I so believe the Lord placed me in this very influential market place. The power of words, the promise of hope, the truth uncovered, the odds of reality, the magic of corruption: these are experiences and opportunities I am privileged to savor, but sometimes, wish have gone through filtering and cleansing to protect my innocent mind. These are all part of the journey in this fallen world…

I am missing the thrill of ministering to the students in campus. For five years, campus ministry has been my ground for serving, learning, and fun. It has been my springboard, my renaissance in the mystery of spirituality. It’s also the period where I started to become a world Christian (different from worldly Christian) having the taste of heaven in this cruel and tempting world.

I thought I couldn’t perform anything good after that. But I notice I can still integrate my training in campus ministry with my present work environment. I still perform the function of being a “kuya” to the younger ones, and a friend to colleagues. If I would become more discerning to their needs and be still to know that the Lord is at work, nurturing a Christian community in the company is possible.

Work is work. Job has to be performed excellently. I am just delighted to know that I am not the only one who offers our work for the glory of the Lord. That we are not working just to earn money, but to earn the nod of God.

In one meeting with IVCF staff workers, I felt the urge of participating again in the campus ministry. In another church activity for the students, I thought I would be out-of-place since I was with teenagers, but i was wrong. I enjoyed very much their company. I said, “di pa ako matanda, I can still relate to them.” I can still sing their songs, dance their moves, and laugh out loud. I believe I shouldn’t forget the freshness and fire young people exude in their worship with God. It made me wonder that these were things that I did before, and makes me glad today. †