Dreaming of Saints

For the past few nights, I’ve been dreaming of godly people. I couldn’t tell exactly the content of my dreams, but in the midst of my dreams, I‘ve seen these people, and had few conversations along the way. Most of the times, they appeared in my dreams when I was in the point of activity, rushing things, running, and taking time to rest. Then I found myself having conversation with them, and as I was enjoying their company, call of nature or some other external factors disturbed my hibernation. My dreams halted in the most abrupt circumstances. Sometimes, I lied down again to dream, but my dreams seem to have no replay.

I dreamt of one of my pastors in the church. I met him when I first attended Victory church in Dagupan. I still attend church service but we haven’t talked lately.

Just last night, I dreamt of Archbishop Oscar Cruz, the retired archbishop of Lingayen-Dagupan. I had several encounters with Archbishop Cruz during TV interviews. He was very accommodating, very kind, bold in telling the truth. He advocates service, charity, and justice. I love when he laughs and his life is so full of passion and compassion. I don’t know why I dreamt of him last night. But I’m glad I had him in my dreams. †

Sa background ng Feels So Good ni Chuck Mangione

Hanggang dito na lang ba ako? Araw-araw, paggising sa umaga o di kaya’y pagbangon sa gabi, maghahanap ng balita. Balitang kailangan ng taong malaman, balitang kailangan ko rin para sumuweldo para may pangkape at pang-pizza kahit dalawang beses isang lingo.

Masaya naman ako sa ginagawa ko. Nakasakay sa crew cab, bababa, dala-dala ang micropono para mag-interview, mag-take down notes, o di kaya’y i-type na lang sa cellphone dahil hindi maatupag bumili ng tikler.

Pagkatapos, babalik sa istasyon, mag-script, magboses, magbantay sa editing saglit, kung sasalang sa live report, ayun, may overtime kahit papaano. Kakain sa gabi, kung nagkayayaan, gigimik kung saan, tsaka balik sa lungga.

Magpapahinga sa saglit, basa-basa ng konti, maliligo, magcocomputer habang nakikinig sa nakaka-inlove na tunog ng Summertime at Feels so Good, at maya-maya’y pipikit na, tsaka mananaginip ng kung anu-ano.

Ganito ulit kinabukasan. May bahagyang pagkakaiba lang. Pero parang ganun din. Medyo okay na nakakasawa. Basta kulang. Kulang talaga. Hindi ko matanggap na ginawa akong kawangis ng Diyos para lang magtrabaho at kumain at matulog.

Sabagay, minsan, nakakataba rin ng puso ang nakikilala ka ng tao dahil sa paglitaw mo sa tv halos araw-araw. Pero hindi rin, minsan, gusto mong magtakip ng mukha dahil pagsakay mo sa jeep o bus, halos lahat ng tao, nakatingin sa ‘yo. Nahihiya ka dahil mukha ka ng ngarag, magko-commute ka gawa ng hindi makabili ng kotse ang suweldo mo. Hindi nila alam na gusto mong magpahinga, at walang panahon para makipagtsamihan kung nasa byahe.

Hindi naman ako nagsisisi sa kinahinatnan ng buhay ko sa edad na 23. Kung tutuusin, marami na rin akong natutunan, nalaman, karanasang maikukuwento sa mga gustong makarinig ng kwento. Marami na rin akong nakilalang tao, nakaing kakaibang pagkain, nalagok na alak. Masarap ang gilbeys beer para sa akin sa totoo lang.

Pero wag ka, dahil sa alak na yan, hindi gilbeys ah, naku, may kilala akong nawala sa sariling kontrol. Hayun nagwala sa isang bar. Biruin mo, ang ingay-ingay na niya, ung iniinom niya, ginagawa niyang fountain. Sa bawat paglagapak niya kasi ng kanyang basong may lamang alak sa mesa, sa amin tumitilapon. Ayun, para kaming binibendisyunan ng alak. Mabait naman ung kakilala kung yon. Sobrang bait talaga. Wala kang masabi. Un lang talaga.

Sobrang badtrip kasi siya sa aanga-anga umanong babaeng dahilan para magipit siya sa gastusin. Plus iba pang pasanin sa buhay.hehe. At naiintindihan ko naman. Mahirap talagang mabadtrip.

Minsan din, nakakatawa ang mga katangahan ng tao, pasensya sa word. Minsan, natatawa rin ako sa sarili ko dahil may katangahan din ako. Pero mas malala ung iba na kakilala ko, grabe, parang walang sariling utak. Parang robot na utusan, walang diskarte, walang sariling palo kumbaga. Hindi pa siya cute. Pero hindi naman siya kawawa. May pag-asa naman siguro siyang magbago.

Basta ganun, halos ganun ‘yung nangyayari sa paligid ko. Pero siyempre, ang dami din namang hindi malilimutang kaganapan kumbaga. Da best siyempre ung sama-sama kayong nagpipigar-pigar sa Galvan. Hanep, parang may fiesta lagi ang tropa sa tabi ng kalsada. Lately lang, fishball sa tabi ng sementeryo habang naghihintay na sumalang sa ilaw at kamera. Masarap kumain.

Enjoy din ung kuwentuhan lang sa kapihan. Naku, eto, naalala ko, ung bump car. Ang sarap pa lang magbump-car lalo na kung mga kasama mo medyo may edad na rin, I mean, ung mga may anak at pamilya na. Hanep ang trip, ako sobrang sumakit tiyan ko sa kakatuwa nun. Uulitin ko un sa lalong madaling panahon. Ang sarap kayang maging bata.

Pero kalungkot din maging bata minsan. Na-realize ko yan nung may mga namatay sa dengue, nalunod, ung mga batang nabubuhay sa limos at tira-tirang pagkain. Yung mga batang binabato ng paso kaya’y pumutok at namaga ang noo. Hindi lang awa siguro ang mararamdaman mo sa bawat biktima ng abortion. Ang daming kwento ng pagkabata at minurang bata sa kanto. Sana matupad din nila ang kanilang pangarap.

Uy, gusto ko pa lang makapunta sa Batanes, dulo ng Luzon. Wala lang, gusto ko lang makita ang itsura ng Batanes na laging sikat dahil sa mga bagyong dumadaan sa Pilipinas. Pangarap ko din pa lang makapunta sa hindi ko pa nakikitang lola ko sa mother side. Biruin mo, sa Quezon province lang siya, di ko man lang mapuntahan. Pero pangako ko yan sa sarili ko, pupuntahan ko siya… Wish ko lang, hindi pa huli ang lahat.

Lalo pa’t wala na atang lugar na hindi nalulubog sa baha. Kung hindi naman baha, pagguho ng lupa. Kung hindi naman kalamidad, giyera. Bahagi ng buhay habang nasa mundong ibabaw. Makasalanan kasi. Pero may heaven naman, tulad ng pagkakaroon din ng hell. Dapat alam mo lang kung saan ang byahe mo.

Gusto ko talagang bumyahe. Kung marami lang akong pera, naku, kung saan-saan na siguro ako napunta. May goal pala ako tungkol sa pagbabyahe. At least 50 provinces sa Pilipinas mapuntahan ko. So far, 15 pa lang na probinsya ang masasabi kong napuntahan ko. Ung sa NCR, binilang ko lang as 1. Asa ka pa!?

Self-centered ba ako? Hindi naman siguro. Hindi naman siguro masamang lumigaya at kahit papaano makaramdam ng sense of fulfillment. Nasubukan ko rin namang maglingkod ng libre at bukal sa loob sa aking kapwa. Hindi rin madali un ah. Pero da best. Masasabi kong ang sumunod sa kalooban ng Diyos at maglingkod ng buong puso at lakas ang isa, kung hindi man ang pinakamaligayang karanasan sa yugto ng aking buhay. Nami-miss ko yun ng sobra. Ung tipong hindi mo agad nakukuha ung gusto mo, un bang kailangan mo talagang magtiyaga, maghintay, at huminga ng malalim para mapasakamay mo ang ung tinatamasa.

Hindi siya madali. Lalo kung mag-isa ka lang. Kaya nga, madalas sa kadiliman ng gabi, nag-i-imagine ka ng kasama, nang kayakap, at siyempre, alam mo na un. Para hindi ka mabangungot, sinasabi mo na lang sa sarili mo, darating yan. At naniniwala ka naman talaga.

Basta, may bukas pa. Kaya mali ung unang entrada ko sa sulating ito na “hanggang dito na lamang ba ako?” Kasi hindi eh. Alam mo naman ang sagot. Alam ko din… †

A wanderer’s tale

Almost every time I open the door of my pad, dogs and cats are all waiting for some food to eat. Unfortunately, they cannot depend on me for the reason that I seldom cook my own food. I spend more than half of my day outside my shelter working and traveling to news gather. I just open the door for the air to at least fume inside my pad, and be refreshed due to the suffocated aura of my room’s solitude.

Watching these dogs and cats flirt with one another drives me into a playful fantasy. It feels good to film these creatures enjoy their very animal instinct, with all their caresses and affection. Like human, they also have blood circulating from all over their body; sensation is obviously manifested in their cuddling. Because I could not offer them hope for their stomach, all I can do is to have an eye-to-eye contact with them. Their eyes are colorful than mine, admittedly.

Sitting in my wooden chair with my feet wide open, my sight takes me into the single, old flower frame nailed on the wall. It’s like the green curtain that seems to lose its glow for so long displayed. It’s also like wisdom unsharpened because of the books that are forever shelved. In the middle of the sala is a small stand that supports the most read magazines I have. And I just want to travel in stellar space I’ve never been into...

Since boredom weakens me all the more, I found myself traveling in the city of pines for the nth time. My mom got so concerned about my traveling late at night, given the discomfort of the roads devastated by the recent typhoon Pepeng. I reasoned my over familiarity with the place where I’d go, and that’s enough assurance for her to sleep unperturbedly.

My eyes were opened the whole journey. Noticeably, there were few vehicles traveling via Kennon road. Despite the evident danger, the driver really braved the bumpy roads with shifting speed. My eyes saw the ruins of the houses enveloped by the series of landslides. Road cuts greeted us several times. But instead of fear, I was comforted upon looking at the moon peeking on us as it rams into the trees while we’re in motion. The serenity of the night signals the much-awaited respite I longed for.

I found myself haggling at the ukay-ukay area. I bought nothing but the thrill of bargaining. I then treaded back and forth the Session road, no itinerary, just following wherever my feet would lead me. Two cups of brewed coffee were such a delight. Afterwards, I walked again.

Drunkards roamed around the city even though it’s Sunday. Twenty-four hour café, bars and resto were never spoiled of customers. Smokers were like natural mannequins. Cabs were so dependable especially for those unable to bring themselves home. With my hands inside my jacket and its hood giving warmth to my neck, the cool breeze of midnight Baguio was so irresistible I could just hate myself for being romantically unattached with someone.

It was a solace for me to be alone. But being an average introvert was never an excuse for my whim and yen of exploring the magic of touch, of love. I could just love myself for being me, but I could also just blame myself for not being one.

It was about 2am that I realized I was heeding nowhere. I stopped at the lamppost, gasping for breath, with smoke-like fog coming out of my mouth. The place I travelled was so familiar but there’s a sort of uncertainty that hindered me from lavishing the bliss of Baguio. Its mist was so peculiar it failed to give joy to my heart.Probably, the city is still recuperating from the catastrophe caused by the typhoon.

Waffles with butter and syrup halted my stomach’s grumbling for food. I needed to pause before my feet and legs collapsed from over fatigue. I walked the distance, and I saw much. Indeed, I considered myself a wanderer in my own comfort zone…

All along, I thought my ten-hour adventure in the mountain resort city of Amianan was real. But the dogs and cats outside my pad are still waiting for me to feed them. All I could do was to see them eye-to-eye, and test who among us would shed tears. †

In pursuit of happiness

I can no longer write. They say just write through streams of consciousness but my shattered thoughts kept me nowhere. I can’t even figure out what topic to write, what feeling is outstanding, what emotion drives me in sanity. I can’t focus. I can’t even smile, and worst, I want to cry yet no tears seem to fall down.

I crave to express what my soul wishes to articulate. My soul so longs for happiness, for pleasure, for ecstasy. It seems boredom has been tired to replace my melancholy. Happiness has no effect with my desire to be satisfied. How elusive happiness is for people who just want to make sense of earthly blessings promised to be available for those predestined by the Creator?

I don’t want to be desperate in pursuit of happiness. I just want to feel and lavish it. I just want to be satisfied knowing who I am, no insecurity, just fulfilled. Do I have to search for it, or I just have to wait for it? Or do we have to settle on the opinion that happiness is not for everyone? Why do I put questions about happiness? Is it not the answer to one’s misery and discontentment?

I let other people define what happiness is. And I sense, they’re also in search for it:

What is happiness? Does it exist? If it does, why, then, crying is essential to most of us mortals? Maybe happiness is just an idea that we ought to be felt; thus we invented this word and included in our memory bank. I guess we invented it for the sake of trying to feel it.
In every song and in every poetry, there is always an epitome of happiness. (Allister)

At times I find happiness within my solitude but being alone wasn’t enough. This comes in every bit of something that we don’t expect and most of the times, being ignored. One thing is for sure, it comes with fulfillment. I know I’m not yet there but who knows maybe soon. (Darix)

I heard it many times that death is the gateway to happiness. And some philosophical fools would just commit suicide to experience it, and prove that happiness exists. But such foolishness I will never do, because I believe that life on earth should be like you tasted heaven as if your first time you kiss goodbye.

I hope one day my queries on happiness would come into halt. I hope one day I would find the answer from other people, because I am already desperate that I couldn’t discover it myself. I hope one day someone, somebody, will just be my happiness. Good thing, my Lord is not only my happiness, but my joy. †

Place of ministry

I’ve been longing for a specific area where I could participate in the ministry of God. After reckoning that I still have ample time despite the nature of my job, I can’t still find myself acting in motion. I don’t want to take the initiative because I know in my heart that my passion has been consumed and needs refreshing. I just want first to observe, explore, test the waters. I don’t want to be double-minded, unstable of everything I do.

Start where you are. I so believe the Lord placed me in this very influential market place. The power of words, the promise of hope, the truth uncovered, the odds of reality, the magic of corruption: these are experiences and opportunities I am privileged to savor, but sometimes, wish have gone through filtering and cleansing to protect my innocent mind. These are all part of the journey in this fallen world…

I am missing the thrill of ministering to the students in campus. For five years, campus ministry has been my ground for serving, learning, and fun. It has been my springboard, my renaissance in the mystery of spirituality. It’s also the period where I started to become a world Christian (different from worldly Christian) having the taste of heaven in this cruel and tempting world.

I thought I couldn’t perform anything good after that. But I notice I can still integrate my training in campus ministry with my present work environment. I still perform the function of being a “kuya” to the younger ones, and a friend to colleagues. If I would become more discerning to their needs and be still to know that the Lord is at work, nurturing a Christian community in the company is possible.

Work is work. Job has to be performed excellently. I am just delighted to know that I am not the only one who offers our work for the glory of the Lord. That we are not working just to earn money, but to earn the nod of God.

In one meeting with IVCF staff workers, I felt the urge of participating again in the campus ministry. In another church activity for the students, I thought I would be out-of-place since I was with teenagers, but i was wrong. I enjoyed very much their company. I said, “di pa ako matanda, I can still relate to them.” I can still sing their songs, dance their moves, and laugh out loud. I believe I shouldn’t forget the freshness and fire young people exude in their worship with God. It made me wonder that these were things that I did before, and makes me glad today. †

Time ticks quickly

Time is ticking so quickly. Few days from now, it will be the BER months, the so-called happiest and grandest months to come in a year. We are inspired to count our days as if it were our last days. There’s really wisdom on this principle, however, why bother counting your days if you’re enjoying every tick of the clock that transpires? As long as you’re with the presence of the Lord, I believe you’re in good hands.

Life is like a laptop that needs refreshing and updating. Every day is like a sunshine that never promises to radiate in its fullest. Sometimes, it’s being blocked by the moving cloud full of moist and rains, ready to pour out once filled. Life is unpredictable. People say expect the unexpected, but I would say expect the best as long as you’re doing what God wants you to do.

Life is not about living for one self. Life is about sharing the beat of your heart with other people. It’s sharing a part of you for other’s to live. It’s love tenderly shared; it is fountain that flows steadily, like a jar waiting to be filled with abundant water.

Time is the most fluid element on earth. Tell me something at this very hour, but in the next few hours, it becomes different.

Just chill out until you can, and never regret the things that cause you to smile and chuckle. Sometimes, just ponder on what you call life’s stupidity; it may be an ingredient of the game called life. Pardon my shattered thoughts… †

Also a proud Filipino because of Cory Aquino

The passing of former President Corazon Aquino manifested the glory and pride of being a Filipino. One more time, aside from the well-known Senator Benigno Aquino’s assassination and Manny Pacquiao’s victory on the boxing arena, Filipinos showed unity amidst political and economic crisis Philippines has at present.

The thousands of people who followed the last moments of Cory up to her tomb are very loyal, enduring, sacrificial, and loving citizens of the country Cory had fought for during her time. Cory just received the honor she deserved; I’m just not sure if she expected the crowd who witnessed her passing. But definitely, I believed she’s at peace wherever she is right now. Bow:)

“Ako’y nagpapasalamat sa inyong lahat at lalong-lalo na sa Panginoong Diyos, na ginawa niya akong isang Pilipino. Talagang karangalan ko iyon, na maging katulad niyo at maraming salamat sa lahat ng tulong na ibinigay niyo sa akin." – Corazon C. Aquino (1933 – 2009)

This statement really makes me a proud Filipino. Thank you Cory Aquino… Amen! Amen!

Times of Refreshing

It was such a brief yet meaningful reunion of some Baguio friends. The warm atmosphere, the new group game (cranium club), the delectable dish, the hot tea/coffee, the familiar faces I dearly love and cherish… I was trying hard to find myself comfortable with their presence. It seemed I so missed the nobleness of friendship being breached by distance. But It’s always there, I believe.

The times of teasing quickened my pretension. I really couldn’t deny or hide things from them. Though some things changed, I noticed we’re still united in harmony. The one spirit continues to bind us into one community, redeemed by the same blood shed by Christ Jesus. Indeed, if I could really boast, I should boast the name of the Lord.

Thanks for the gift of friendship. And sorry for my shortcomings. Thank you for your prayer, folks. And pardon my ignorance of self-sufficiency. The journey continues, and I hope I won’t pass through the wide gates. Bow!

One Year Older

I don't know if it's part of growing up, but I think I was happier and contented a few years back. I missed laughing out loud like there's no tomorrow. I missed chatting with friends with sense. I missed rendering service out of love and compassion. I missed crying out of joy. I so missed my Baguio years.

But I have no regret of my present status now. Maybe, life has just its own twist and delight. Or perhaps, I became too work-oriented that I failed to give myself a quality break. Or probably, I just forgot the meaning of happiness...

Last Friday, I became one year older. I feel blessed to be bombarded with birthday greetings and messages. (Thanks!)To capture the realization I've got from my wondering, I would say the Lord has impressed on me the distance I've traveled without Him. I am now trying to figure out how to bring back the joy of journeying together with Him, again... †

A stranger's Talk

Walking in the streets of Baguio City in the dark, cold night has always been my way of winding up. Aside from the physical benefit I get from walking, I am always engrossed in watching people’s activity and their dealings with one another. I consider this as a wonderful result of communication, a process where one can learn from the other. And I personally take each communication process an opportunity to listen to lessons gained from bitterness but surpassed with resilience.

I want to share my encounter with a single mom who tries to earn a living by selling Ukay-ukay products in the dim streets of Baguio City. I approached her out of curiosity, asking her where have all the other ukay-ukay vendors gone? She said they were instructed by the city government not to sell anymore in the pavements of the streets on night time. She failed to provide me further information of her comrades’ disappearance in the street. But she still persisted in selling used clothes; otherwise, she’ll go home with nothing to eat.

I was surprised when she’s been talking and telling me stories of her life. I did not know her, and she just met me right there. I got her complete name but let me just call her Andrea. I just told her my first name so we could address one another by name. We’re both strangers at that moment. And I think we became friends.
I came to know that she’s from Cebu, migrated in Baguio City more or less twenty years ago. She’s been separated with her husband for quite some time now, and she serves as the father and mother to her only child. Andrea speaks good English, very vocal, high-spirited, principled. I would say she’s gentle and sweet at the same time.

I got carried away with her story. I was flabbergasted with the trust she gave me. Andrea speaks from the heart. She’s not ashamed with her past; she’s confident to say she has moved on with her past relationship. She’s not even afraid to face tomorrow even alone. We talked for less than an hour until the policemen told her to vacate the area. Ukay vending is already forbidden in the pavements at night time. She has to leave and so I had to bid good-bye…

What a stranger’s talk with nothing to lose! It only requires willingness to listen and to learn, to respect and to trust, to consider others more highly than one self. It’s a simple talk that can edify a lowly-spirit like mine, who fervently misses to commune with the One who only searches the attitude of the heart. †

DRUG WAR

The eradication of marijuana (Cannabis sativa) plantations in the hinterlands of Northern Luzon has been a consistent effort of the drug enforcement agency in the Philippines. Early last year, I personally witnessed the process of phasing out the illegal hemps grown and cultured in different remote areas in Santol, La Union and part of Kibungan, Benguet.

I saw how these fully-grown marijuana plants were cultivated, well-nourished with all fertilizers – proof that there ARE indeed protectors and masterminds behind these lucrative “agribusiness.” But the operatives failed to catch one; the site seemed to be left unattended, or probably, cultivators found their escape elsewhere. Nevertheless, those illegal hemps were burnt into ashes, and the operatives just carried some stalks as evidences.


That battle put into flare illegal hemps worth P28 million pesos, exclusive of other marijuana bricks and seedlings confiscated in the area. The operation labeled as Oplan Apol Green Scorpion was a three-day journey of combined elements led by Philippine Drug Enforcement Agency (PDEA), Philippine military, air force, intelligence units, and other anti-drug enforcers. It was a risky, all-sweat, operation all for the sake of putting into halt illegal drug operation in the country.

We had the chance to meet face to face with the members of the community in the area. We were never in the position to judge any one in the community as cultivator, or something to that effect. They might just be victims of coercive power, and no recourse to fight back. (I want to emphasize that I was in the area, and I could speak from my own heart and judgment whatever info and pulse I gathered from them).

The drug enforcers tried to have a fruitful discourse with the community members. They shared to them why these marijuana plants had to be eradicated, that there are laws enacted and provided for the punishment of (law) breakers, and protection for the tipsters and allies of positive advocacies. Apparently, the community has a problem worth-considering by the people in power.

The Nature speaks nothing less of the beauty and peace of the area, a haven for nature lovers, ideal for those who seek solace. But the community has a problem. People there are in need of farm-to-market roads for the transport of their produce. They lack electric services, they need medical assistance, decent shelter and education. These are all left unnoticed because people in power seem to be blind about their situation. They are busy trying to earn the nod of the majority, probably, to remain in power and keep hold of their hidden interests. I do not know how to describe them any more….

The reality is that they are in need, and righteousness in governance if transformed into action should address these needs.

RECORD BREAKING
After two months, anti-drug enforcers launched another operation tagged as Oplan “BUNTOTPUSA,” a six-day operation which started January 14 in the disputed boundaries of Ilocos Sur and Benguet. According to the report of PDEA Region 1, the operation yielded to the destruction of 170 MILLION worth of marijuana plants, the biggest so far in the history of marijuana eradication in the Philippines.


The operatives seem to relate the cultivation of these plants to the members of the communist rebels. According to their intelligence reports, communist rebels are sighted in said areas providing protection for the cultivators of marijuana plants. And so operatives of the government call their existence and alleged connection to the marijuana cultivation as narco-terrorism.

This latest effort of the oplan buntotpusa was commendable in nature. They arrested one cultivator in the area and was charged with the violation of Section II of Article 16 Cultivation or Culture of Plants Classified as Dangerous Drugs of RA 9165 otherwise known as the Dangerous Drugs Act of 2002.

Even the PDEA Region I Director Roberto Opeña is strong in its stance: “Our directive and objective is to win the drug war, and we are tapping all our partners to wipe out the enemy. We are not afraid of who they are or their cohorts and financiers.” I say more power to him… (to be continued) †

Si Gamgamba at Si Ewan

Hindi mapakali sa paglambiti’t paghulma ng sopistikadong sapot ang isang gagamba tuwing nakahimlay ang araw. Mapaglaro itong paikut-ikot sa binubuong dugtung-dugtong na tulay na kanyang maituturing na kaligayahan. Kumpiyansa sa katiwasayan ng gabi, kanyang sinsamantala ang kakaibang lakas at kasiglahan, nagpapakita sa hindi nanlilisik na mata ng kalikasan, upang isakatuparan ang anumang gawaing hindi nagagawa, madalas, sa kaliwanagan.

Taglay ang mainam na reserba at mapotensyal na galamay, lalo’t higit sa estado ng katiyakan, kusang naglalabas ito ng makabuluhang sapot na hinuhubog upang maging isang matatag na pundasyon, parang makatang nagbibigay-buhay sa bawat katagang nagmumula sa kanyang madamdaming imahinasyon at ikinukumaps ng malayang kamay tangan ang panulat.

Madalas, nag-iisa. Tila binubukod ang sarili sa ibang nilalang upang protektahan ang kanyang himlayan, ang kanyang buhay. Pakiramdam niya’y malupit ang kalikasan at hindi mapagkakatiwalaan. Oo’t maaari niyang akuin ang teritoryo sa ganang sarili. Subalit sa kanya lamang sarili, sa loob-loob niya lamang. Sapagkat hindi kanya ang mundo. Nakikihati lamang siya at, sa katunayan, kapiranggot ang kanya at malupit ang kinasasadlakan.

Isa ‘yon sa pinagkaiba nitong si makata. Para sa kanya, may potensyal siyang baguhin ang takbo ng panahon, ‘pagkat mas malawak ang limitasyon nito. Hindi siya nakikihati, bahagi siya ng mismong mundo. Sa isang pagbiyahe patungo sa ibang dimensyon, kanya na ang mundo – maaari niyang gawing paraiso o di kaya’y impiyerno. Maaari rin niyang kitlin ang sariling buhay o di kaya’y ialay ito sa iniibig. Simple. Hindi siya tao.

Madali siyang mabusog at magsawa. Kung malakas ito at kayang-kaya ang kalaban, tiyak uumbok ang kanyang tiyan. Kung talagang sobrang nangangasim ang kanyang sikmura, ni katiting ay wala siyang ititira. Kung may ititira man, itatabi niya ito. Pero kadalasan, hindi niya ito inuubos, nilalanggam… kasama niya. Kaiba ng bahagya sa natatawang makata. Madali rin siyang magsawa subalit mahirap mabusog. At hindi siya nilalanggam. Siya ang nanglalanggam pero iniluluwa kung hindi nagustuhan.

Hindi sanay si Ewan sa regular na takbo ng buhay. Kung may pagpipilian, hindi niya babaybayin ang kalyehong araw-araw niyang tinatahak. Kung dalawang tsokolate at isang pulburon ang nasa kamay niya, hindi niya uubusin ang dalawang tsokolate. Isang tsokolate at isang pulburon ang kakainin niya, at… ipapalit ang isang tsokolate ng ibang putahe. Sobrang hirap ng buhay ngayon! Alin naman dito, birhen o hindi? (ito talagang si makata, biglang umiba ng eksena). Dapat matikman niya muna (O, humirit pa). Sa kabilang banda, nagpapalit din siya ng damit araw-araw, gayong hindi araw-araw ay bago ang mga ito. Marunong siyang magtiis at magsakripisyo. Malambot ang kanyang puso sa mga nagmamahal sa kanya.

Samantala, masyado silang malikot at mapaglaro. Hindi magkandaugaga itong si gagamba sa paglalaro ng kanyang sapot habang si makata nama’y walang puknat sa kakasubok ng kung anu-anong bagay. Madalas pa ngang nilalaro ni gagamba ang kanyang tanghalian o hapunan, at kung siya’y nasa sanga o dahon, wala rin siyang pagod sa pagbaba’t pagtaas gamit ang matibay na sapot. Talagang malikot at mapaglaro ang isipan nitong si makata. Ibang klaseng maglarawan!

Sa kabila ng malikot at mapaglarong isipan, hindi ito sapat upang hindi mabahiran ng kalungkutan ang mukha ni Ewan. Hindi sapat na isipin na lagi siyang nagtatagumpay, na lumulundag siya sa galak, na matamis ang asukal, na may kiliti sa bawat iyak. Humuhupa ang imahinasyon. Lahat ng ito’y pansamantala lamang. Makapangyarihan ang imahinasyon subalit hindi nito magagawang palitan o dayain ang damdamin ng isang makata o manunulat. Hindi nito magagawang pwersahin ang isang manunulat na gawing masaya ang tema ng kanyang isinusulat gayong kalungkutan ang nasa damdamin nito. At hindi rin maaaring gawing malungkot ang tema ng kanyang susulatin kung ubod-galak na karanasan ang kanyang nais ibahagi. Kung maaari, isa siyang huwad na manunulat.

Sa kabilang banda, iisipin niyang mas mabuti ang katayuan ng isang gagamba. Wala itong mabilog na mata na kakikitaan ng hinagpis at dalamhati dulot ng mga taong nasa paligid nito. Walang luhang dumadaloy mula sa kanyang mata pababa sa pisngi hanggang sumayad sa lupa. Mabuti sana kung iisa ang kulay ng mundo. Gayunpaman, wala naman siyang tinig upang marinig ang lutong ng kanyang halakhak. Marami pa ring bagay na hindi magagawa ni gagamba sapagkat hindi siya tao, tulad ng sariling pagpapahayag.

Manatiling buhay, marahil, ang pangunahing layunin ng pananatili ni gagamba, bukod sa papel nito sa balanseng ekolohikal. Walang puwang sa kanya ang malawak na salitang pag-ibig, isang anyo ng ekspresyon. Wala siyang pusong nagdaramdam at nagagalak, ni di nga siya marunong manligaw. Hindi nga niya magawang mambola o sumambit ng katagang matalinghaga. Samakatuwid, nasa kinita ni Ewan na siya’y magiging makata ‘pagkat marunong siyang magmahal. Sabi nga ni Joi Barrios sa kanyang Minatamis at Iba pang Tula ng Pag-ibig, “bawat mangingibig ay makata.” Gayunpaman,, hindi lahat ng makata ay mangingibig at hindi namumusyaw ang may dugong makata kung siya’y namumuhi.

May dalawang bagay na maari nilang sang-ayunan. Una, sakop sila ng konsepto ng kamatayan. Si gagamba at si Ewan na kapwa may pagkakatulad at pagkakaiba sang-ayon sa ginawang pagsasalarawan ay parehong nakatakdang pumanaw. Ang mga nasabing deskripsyon ang siyang inaasahang katangian ni Ewan bilang isang nangangarap na manunulat o makata. Pangalawa, isang simpleng lohika na hindi makapagsulat si gagamba sapagkay siya’y insekto, at si Ewan ay tao. †
(This was written sometime in 2003. Pardon my forgetfulness, but I really can't remember the exact date when I wrote this piece.)