Saturday, January 03, 2009

Si Gamgamba at Si Ewan

Hindi mapakali sa paglambiti’t paghulma ng sopistikadong sapot ang isang gagamba tuwing nakahimlay ang araw. Mapaglaro itong paikut-ikot sa binubuong dugtung-dugtong na tulay na kanyang maituturing na kaligayahan. Kumpiyansa sa katiwasayan ng gabi, kanyang sinsamantala ang kakaibang lakas at kasiglahan, nagpapakita sa hindi nanlilisik na mata ng kalikasan, upang isakatuparan ang anumang gawaing hindi nagagawa, madalas, sa kaliwanagan.

Taglay ang mainam na reserba at mapotensyal na galamay, lalo’t higit sa estado ng katiyakan, kusang naglalabas ito ng makabuluhang sapot na hinuhubog upang maging isang matatag na pundasyon, parang makatang nagbibigay-buhay sa bawat katagang nagmumula sa kanyang madamdaming imahinasyon at ikinukumaps ng malayang kamay tangan ang panulat.

Madalas, nag-iisa. Tila binubukod ang sarili sa ibang nilalang upang protektahan ang kanyang himlayan, ang kanyang buhay. Pakiramdam niya’y malupit ang kalikasan at hindi mapagkakatiwalaan. Oo’t maaari niyang akuin ang teritoryo sa ganang sarili. Subalit sa kanya lamang sarili, sa loob-loob niya lamang. Sapagkat hindi kanya ang mundo. Nakikihati lamang siya at, sa katunayan, kapiranggot ang kanya at malupit ang kinasasadlakan.

Isa ‘yon sa pinagkaiba nitong si makata. Para sa kanya, may potensyal siyang baguhin ang takbo ng panahon, ‘pagkat mas malawak ang limitasyon nito. Hindi siya nakikihati, bahagi siya ng mismong mundo. Sa isang pagbiyahe patungo sa ibang dimensyon, kanya na ang mundo – maaari niyang gawing paraiso o di kaya’y impiyerno. Maaari rin niyang kitlin ang sariling buhay o di kaya’y ialay ito sa iniibig. Simple. Hindi siya tao.

Madali siyang mabusog at magsawa. Kung malakas ito at kayang-kaya ang kalaban, tiyak uumbok ang kanyang tiyan. Kung talagang sobrang nangangasim ang kanyang sikmura, ni katiting ay wala siyang ititira. Kung may ititira man, itatabi niya ito. Pero kadalasan, hindi niya ito inuubos, nilalanggam… kasama niya. Kaiba ng bahagya sa natatawang makata. Madali rin siyang magsawa subalit mahirap mabusog. At hindi siya nilalanggam. Siya ang nanglalanggam pero iniluluwa kung hindi nagustuhan.

Hindi sanay si Ewan sa regular na takbo ng buhay. Kung may pagpipilian, hindi niya babaybayin ang kalyehong araw-araw niyang tinatahak. Kung dalawang tsokolate at isang pulburon ang nasa kamay niya, hindi niya uubusin ang dalawang tsokolate. Isang tsokolate at isang pulburon ang kakainin niya, at… ipapalit ang isang tsokolate ng ibang putahe. Sobrang hirap ng buhay ngayon! Alin naman dito, birhen o hindi? (ito talagang si makata, biglang umiba ng eksena). Dapat matikman niya muna (O, humirit pa). Sa kabilang banda, nagpapalit din siya ng damit araw-araw, gayong hindi araw-araw ay bago ang mga ito. Marunong siyang magtiis at magsakripisyo. Malambot ang kanyang puso sa mga nagmamahal sa kanya.

Samantala, masyado silang malikot at mapaglaro. Hindi magkandaugaga itong si gagamba sa paglalaro ng kanyang sapot habang si makata nama’y walang puknat sa kakasubok ng kung anu-anong bagay. Madalas pa ngang nilalaro ni gagamba ang kanyang tanghalian o hapunan, at kung siya’y nasa sanga o dahon, wala rin siyang pagod sa pagbaba’t pagtaas gamit ang matibay na sapot. Talagang malikot at mapaglaro ang isipan nitong si makata. Ibang klaseng maglarawan!

Sa kabila ng malikot at mapaglarong isipan, hindi ito sapat upang hindi mabahiran ng kalungkutan ang mukha ni Ewan. Hindi sapat na isipin na lagi siyang nagtatagumpay, na lumulundag siya sa galak, na matamis ang asukal, na may kiliti sa bawat iyak. Humuhupa ang imahinasyon. Lahat ng ito’y pansamantala lamang. Makapangyarihan ang imahinasyon subalit hindi nito magagawang palitan o dayain ang damdamin ng isang makata o manunulat. Hindi nito magagawang pwersahin ang isang manunulat na gawing masaya ang tema ng kanyang isinusulat gayong kalungkutan ang nasa damdamin nito. At hindi rin maaaring gawing malungkot ang tema ng kanyang susulatin kung ubod-galak na karanasan ang kanyang nais ibahagi. Kung maaari, isa siyang huwad na manunulat.

Sa kabilang banda, iisipin niyang mas mabuti ang katayuan ng isang gagamba. Wala itong mabilog na mata na kakikitaan ng hinagpis at dalamhati dulot ng mga taong nasa paligid nito. Walang luhang dumadaloy mula sa kanyang mata pababa sa pisngi hanggang sumayad sa lupa. Mabuti sana kung iisa ang kulay ng mundo. Gayunpaman, wala naman siyang tinig upang marinig ang lutong ng kanyang halakhak. Marami pa ring bagay na hindi magagawa ni gagamba sapagkat hindi siya tao, tulad ng sariling pagpapahayag.

Manatiling buhay, marahil, ang pangunahing layunin ng pananatili ni gagamba, bukod sa papel nito sa balanseng ekolohikal. Walang puwang sa kanya ang malawak na salitang pag-ibig, isang anyo ng ekspresyon. Wala siyang pusong nagdaramdam at nagagalak, ni di nga siya marunong manligaw. Hindi nga niya magawang mambola o sumambit ng katagang matalinghaga. Samakatuwid, nasa kinita ni Ewan na siya’y magiging makata ‘pagkat marunong siyang magmahal. Sabi nga ni Joi Barrios sa kanyang Minatamis at Iba pang Tula ng Pag-ibig, “bawat mangingibig ay makata.” Gayunpaman,, hindi lahat ng makata ay mangingibig at hindi namumusyaw ang may dugong makata kung siya’y namumuhi.

May dalawang bagay na maari nilang sang-ayunan. Una, sakop sila ng konsepto ng kamatayan. Si gagamba at si Ewan na kapwa may pagkakatulad at pagkakaiba sang-ayon sa ginawang pagsasalarawan ay parehong nakatakdang pumanaw. Ang mga nasabing deskripsyon ang siyang inaasahang katangian ni Ewan bilang isang nangangarap na manunulat o makata. Pangalawa, isang simpleng lohika na hindi makapagsulat si gagamba sapagkay siya’y insekto, at si Ewan ay tao.
(This was written sometime in 2003. Pardon my forgetfulness, but I really can't remember the exact date when I wrote this piece.)

Sunday, December 21, 2008

Newscasts

YearEnd Report: I happened to waste my time surfing the site of gmanews.tv and thought of posting the links of my major reports aired in national newscast. For those who missed watching me, you can have a glimpse of what I'm doing in the region with the following links:

http://www.gmanews.tv/video/27846/10-Koreans-die-in-car-crash

http://www.gmanews.tv/video/31406/QTV-Police-destroy-marijuana-plantation

http://www.gmanews.tv/video/31395/Marijuana-plantation-in-La-Union-Benguet-destroyed

http://www.gmanews.tv/largevideo/related/31425/Govt-authorities-seize-hectares-of-marijuana-plants

http://www.gmanews.tv/video/31425/Govt-authorities-seize-hectares-of-marijuana-plants

*(these were two same stories aired in different news programs of gma7)

Sunday, October 26, 2008

The Challenge of Rebuke

It comforts me to know that someone understands me, even the complaints I have carried all through out my adjustment period for more than six months now. I am grateful I have friends who believe in me, who trust me, who show both the good and ugly in me. Though it’s hard to accept rebuke, it is better than hidden love, indeed.

But what’s the good of such admonition if I won’t heed on the challenge of deliberate change? I admitted I was spiritually “stagnated” the past months. I confessed I have been tempted of all kinds, and have sinned many times. But what I have gone through, I could say that I was mindful all along - the consequences of my actions, the trust that might be lost, the character that might be tainted with malice.

Grace. Gracia. Panangasi ya Katawan. It fuels me to breathe like a regenerated one. But right now, I am restless, tired, exhausted. It seems I am moving and acting without joy and sacred hype. But like a wounded soldier, I will rise. I accept the challenge to end this “game” of faith, to finish the good fight. But I can’t do it myself. I need YOU.

Sunday, September 14, 2008

broken-heart

I regret my coward act of not showing and telling her my true feelings. There’s no such thing as secret love, indeed. And so I have to suffer the pains of great memories we’ve been through as friends, as she’s now with somebody else.

I was hurt. I blamed myself for that ‘loss’, for not doing anything to have her. I did crazy things to move on. And I was surprised because I’m hurting myself to the limits, for more than two weeks now. My first broken-heart experience, indeed, but I opt to stop my litanies here. I am done and over with my self covenant of waiting for her. She has decided, and I am free.

Lessons learned: enjoy being in solitude, and enjoy being with somebody you feel like hanging on; always forgive yourself; wish the person all the best, don’t curse; pamper yourself with a fresh bath every night; just cry when you feel like crying, and smile afterwards; love the Lord still...

" I never knew until that moment how bad it could hurt to lose something you never really had. " ~ From the television show The Wonder Years †

Sunday, August 31, 2008

Good News & Bad News

My night duty was over. The moments of seeing cadavers, blood, wrecked vehicles, sleeping police officers, commercial sex workers during raid, etc. have come into halt. I can now rest my pathetic eyes during night time, and I can now read my books again, hehe. It’s both good and bad news for me.

It’s bad news because I’ll be annoyed again with the scorching heat of the sun during coverage (arte, hehe). It’s time again to be pressured in beating the deadline for the afternoon newscast. I’ll be forced to adjust my eating habit. I can’t wear a jacket anymore, except on rainy days and typhoons. But then, these can all be good news depending on perspective.

It’s good news because I can now go out for night life (where? hehe). I can meet again my sources. I can set appointments for interview. I can see Amianan staff more often. I can watch movies on marathon basis (as in?hehe). Well, adjustment time again, but definitely, I’ll be missing both day and night practices.

What is important is that I should enjoy every course of the day, every camera roll, every story I cover. When I see good news in this bad news world, then, I am blessed because I am not missing the point of life as I see the positive side of life. Indeed, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under heaven (Ecclesiastes 3:1, NIV)

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Lessons learned

Happy 2-monthsary… hehe. Yup, yeap, it’s more than two months now that I am working as a correspondent. Congratulations

But I am quite exhausted; not a complaint but a natural feeling of a human being. It’s not the work per se, but actually the details within the work. And absolutely, I would say that this job that I have now is the job that I prayed for, and the job that I like, the job that I am still learning to love. Oh, yes, it’s a process of loving this kind of work, and so far, I am enjoying the journey of growing in love with my work.

I just want to share some lessons and realities that I encountered for the past months as a correspondent. First, even though I want to effect change in the story that I want to make, I just can’t help but cover the event as it is because I know my limitations. I cannot involve directly with the pleas and concerns of the people involved especially faces and hearts so deeply in need. I cannot curse people who blatantly violate the rights and simplicity of the marginalized in my story, otherwise, I may be judged bias. I can hide my partiality but not my empathy.

Secondly, it’s difficult to blame “uneducated” people when I see them in desperate situations, fighting with their fists but ended up losers. Some of these are victims of ignorance and unequal distribution of favor and wealth. I may just listen to them, sympathize with them, but I can’t just do mighty things for them to redeem their zeal. Nevertheless, I am thankful that with the kind of job that I have, I can inspire them, and trigger them to be hopeful and wishful.

Lastly, I learn to smile even though it’s not needed, and I learn to hide my resentment to those who are contemptible…. 

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Grow where I am planted

Wherever I am, whatever I do, whenever I will be, I should know who my real boss is. I should know why I should behave this way, why I should write this way, why I should broadcast report this way.

It was just a dream way back in college that an “impaired, lisping, loner” can become a reporter. And this dream came true just in time, just when I waited and prayed the most, when I needed direction in a confused and staggered blueprint waiting to be discovered. I asked of this, and it was given to me. Or should I say, it was given to me because HE is just simply good. :)

Working in the media industry, particularly under the contours of the best and most reputable network in the country, is a totally different field just to highlight the excitement, the thrill, the hype, the lesson, ethics and principles one can incur working within. But it is no different field when talking about where God puts me to influence where I am planted…

I am enjoying what I am doing right now as a reporter. Never mind the butter in the bread, aheemm for now (ano daw, hehehe). Thanks anyway for the psyche income triggered by the billboards, posters, and ads.

But I want to share about why the Lord has put me in this workplace. For almost a month now, I find it hard to find myself behaving in a manner worthy of Christ’s standard. I have no serious problem working with people inside; they’re all unique, well-crafted, wonderful individuals. I am just concerned with my own character, with the way they influence me, and I influence them. Do I still know that I should let my light shine, and not put it in the shed where my light is distorted and controlled? Do I still know that in everything I do, I should do it for God’s glory?

This is my wake up call indeed. I just hope and pray that the fast pace in the newsroom will not cause me forgetful that once in my journey, I was redeemed. From the simple use of words to dealing with people, I should let my light shine. No turning back…

Sunday, March 09, 2008

A heartbeat for transition

Transition will be my next disciplinary program in the coming days. I'll be moving out of Baguio to traverse a new path, to exploit greater heights, to grow more and to love deeper. I anticipate positive things to happen in this new journey, confident that the hands and blessings of the Lord are upon me.

The city of pines has become a comfort zone for me, enjoying every freedom and access crucial to my development as a human being. It has given me the chance to see all kaleidoscopic enigmas of life. The beautiful and the not-so-wonderful are all part and parcel of the lessons of life. Oppositional binaries are at work all the way, but praise be to God who sustains and preserves those He called, justified and destined to be with him.

Though not everything has been laid down crystal clear, the plans of the Lord are sure to come. His plans are a work in progress, and He considers it done when He wills it to be. And so what will I do? Follow his leading, remain in him, know his heart, seek his face, ask for his blessings and favor, and continue to serve him wherever he leads me. (It’s really easier said than done).

All I really need is to put my hope and trust in the Lord, the author and perfecter of my faith (Heb. 12:2). He understands the beating of my heart, and I believe that as I long as I know the heart of the Lord, (which is also a process of knowing) I will never go wrong. And when I go wrong, I, myself, will be blamed – a vulnerable sinner who needs grace and mercy every now and then.

”You may not always be able to feel a deeper heart feeling right away, but stay focused in the heart. The sincerity of your effort can reconnect you to your heart current and start the juices flowing. To plug in, think of someone you love or remember what feels good, maybe a fulfilling experience. Feelings help you remember.” - Sara Paddison, The Hidden Power of the Heart

Saturday, February 09, 2008

My Springboard

My short government stint has come into halt last January 2008. I resigned with peace and joy in my heart because this has been a result of prayer, a gentle wrestling with the Lord. Main factors involved my desire to give more time with the campus ministry and the master's program that I am learning to love. All other reasons are valid secondaries. Period :)

This time, I am enrolled in what I call exploratory, disciplinary program under the rubrics of spirituality, professionalism, and relationship building. Spirituality involves an integral, holistic approach in life where I expect myself to unify every diverse, fragmented “blueprint” awaiting its discovery and fulfillment. It will bring me to a certain divinity where I won't create any secularity over any mundane activity, but rather recognize that everything is divine when Jesus is in control. I will definitely anticipate a more intimate encounter with my Creator.

Under professionalism, no big deal actually, as I will just try to work part-time as a self-confessed, “desperate” writer and journalist. This will be an experimental stage to test the water, and decide if there is something else my heart longs for. Lately, I'm gaining interest in linguistics, particularly on the development of Pangasinan language, and in making documentaries on children and youth. Teaching in college by June excites me as well. Or perhaps, I could be all around, all at the same time, hahaha. Ambitious me! :) Financially and (theologically) speaking, I am “living by faith.”

What and how I live at present will be my legacy. I want to be remembered as someone who loves the Lord passionately, who blesses others in various ways, who makes people smile, who upholds justice, who is so concerned with youth and children's welfare, who gains satisfaction with the life I live. And when people remember me, only praise and worship to Jesus will be their sweet utterance. And these things will happen if as early as now I develop the edifying process of relationship building. What I will share are the things that I have. I cannot give something that I don't have; but “praise be to God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us (me) in the heavenly realms with every spiritual blessings in Christ” (Eph. 1:3, NIV).

Will I be able to surpass all these challenging things? By God's grace, love, and providence, Yes! And my springboard at the moment, and for tomorrow's tomorrow, is the peace and joy I have with the Lord. Pray with and for me as well.