Almost a Love Story

We started as very good friends. We went to the same university, we belonged to the same organization. We both studied communication, I majored journalism while she concentrated on speech communication. She’s always at the top of the class. Sometimes, I served as her sidekick, critic, scrutinizer, pessimistic buddy. I seldom appreciate her, until now.

I used to be the alaskador, the one pissing her off mostly. I deprived her of affirmation which I learned to do after series of leadership camps. Few words of endearment are not expected to come from me. But I was one of the privileged few who could dare give “sound” advice. I really wasn’t the sweetest friend she had. But I think I was one of the most concerned when it comes to her welfare and being.

We’ve been together as block mates for four years, while six years and counting as best friends. That long friendship made me wonder if our relationship can extend beyond friends. I never really told her my true feeling, until one time when I so enjoyed her company, I attempted to express my feeling. That’s one of my courageous moves, but ironically turned out to be the most coward act of mine. I failed to be true to my words, I lacked action, I was faithless. I never really pursued her. I never made efforts to show how much I cared for her. I did not win her heart.

I told myself I would wait for her. It’s my self-covenant, between me and my heart, my patience versus my desire, my faith versus pride, that no matter what, I would wait for her. But again, my foolishness! She never knew I was waiting, she never knew I wanted her heart. I assumed she knew that I cared for her. Maraming namamatay sa maling akala. Indeed, my heart died after she got committed in a relationship with somebody few months later.

My heart broke into pieces. It’s my first time to be so hurt emotionally. I realized how much I loved her, but it was too late. I became so depressed I hurt myself as well. I did crazy things, madly crazy I almost lost my faith in God. I resorted to seeking happiness with worldly friends. That was the time my drinking of alcohol perked up. It was also the time when I got into smoking, into bars, into exploring my curiosity. I was downhearted, dispirited. I missed God’s direction for me. It was hard for me to affirm my purpose and goal in life. It seemed everything collapsed with her absence and commitment with somebody else.

But I am now okay. Few months of moving on made me a better person, I believe. I never blame her for what I’ve gone through. It was my entire fault, it was all my cowardice, it was all me to blame.

Honestly, I could say I am glad for her new love journey. Kung saan siya masaya, masaya na rin ako. She taught me a lot, I learned a lot, and I know, when the time comes that I’ll be ready for a relationship, I will make sure that I will really mean it. I’ll be more careful now with my words, and so with my actions. I don’t want to practice and have some warm-ups in looking for a girl. I want committed relationship. I love to say, it’s just there, but I also believe I should make it come true. It requires effort, action, determination, guts, prayer, faith.

This is my short “almost a love story.” I’ll tell you my love story, sooner. †

- From Anonymous (hehe)

Think Straight

Think straight.
Stop being a bum.
Enough is enough.
You’re just wasting your time, spirit and resources to some non-sense, impractical habits.
Remember your first love, why you exist, why you move.
Limit pleasure seeking. Be balance. Be healthy.
Be inspired. Always smile. Pray.
Be disciplined.
Achieve your goals, excellently.
Rest when tired. Take time to relax. Walk.
Think of adventure and traveling.
Be positive. Minus the vices. Grow and Multiply. End arguments and division.
Halleluiah! Lord of Heaven and Earth.
You know my name. You see my tears. You comfort me.
Your presence is like heaven, a haven.
Bow. †

Dreaming of Saints

For the past few nights, I’ve been dreaming of godly people. I couldn’t tell exactly the content of my dreams, but in the midst of my dreams, I‘ve seen these people, and had few conversations along the way. Most of the times, they appeared in my dreams when I was in the point of activity, rushing things, running, and taking time to rest. Then I found myself having conversation with them, and as I was enjoying their company, call of nature or some other external factors disturbed my hibernation. My dreams halted in the most abrupt circumstances. Sometimes, I lied down again to dream, but my dreams seem to have no replay.

I dreamt of one of my pastors in the church. I met him when I first attended Victory church in Dagupan. I still attend church service but we haven’t talked lately.

Just last night, I dreamt of Archbishop Oscar Cruz, the retired archbishop of Lingayen-Dagupan. I had several encounters with Archbishop Cruz during TV interviews. He was very accommodating, very kind, bold in telling the truth. He advocates service, charity, and justice. I love when he laughs and his life is so full of passion and compassion. I don’t know why I dreamt of him last night. But I’m glad I had him in my dreams. †

Sa background ng Feels So Good ni Chuck Mangione

Hanggang dito na lang ba ako? Araw-araw, paggising sa umaga o di kaya’y pagbangon sa gabi, maghahanap ng balita. Balitang kailangan ng taong malaman, balitang kailangan ko rin para sumuweldo para may pangkape at pang-pizza kahit dalawang beses isang lingo.

Masaya naman ako sa ginagawa ko. Nakasakay sa crew cab, bababa, dala-dala ang micropono para mag-interview, mag-take down notes, o di kaya’y i-type na lang sa cellphone dahil hindi maatupag bumili ng tikler.

Pagkatapos, babalik sa istasyon, mag-script, magboses, magbantay sa editing saglit, kung sasalang sa live report, ayun, may overtime kahit papaano. Kakain sa gabi, kung nagkayayaan, gigimik kung saan, tsaka balik sa lungga.

Magpapahinga sa saglit, basa-basa ng konti, maliligo, magcocomputer habang nakikinig sa nakaka-inlove na tunog ng Summertime at Feels so Good, at maya-maya’y pipikit na, tsaka mananaginip ng kung anu-ano.

Ganito ulit kinabukasan. May bahagyang pagkakaiba lang. Pero parang ganun din. Medyo okay na nakakasawa. Basta kulang. Kulang talaga. Hindi ko matanggap na ginawa akong kawangis ng Diyos para lang magtrabaho at kumain at matulog.

Sabagay, minsan, nakakataba rin ng puso ang nakikilala ka ng tao dahil sa paglitaw mo sa tv halos araw-araw. Pero hindi rin, minsan, gusto mong magtakip ng mukha dahil pagsakay mo sa jeep o bus, halos lahat ng tao, nakatingin sa ‘yo. Nahihiya ka dahil mukha ka ng ngarag, magko-commute ka gawa ng hindi makabili ng kotse ang suweldo mo. Hindi nila alam na gusto mong magpahinga, at walang panahon para makipagtsamihan kung nasa byahe.

Hindi naman ako nagsisisi sa kinahinatnan ng buhay ko sa edad na 23. Kung tutuusin, marami na rin akong natutunan, nalaman, karanasang maikukuwento sa mga gustong makarinig ng kwento. Marami na rin akong nakilalang tao, nakaing kakaibang pagkain, nalagok na alak. Masarap ang gilbeys beer para sa akin sa totoo lang.

Pero wag ka, dahil sa alak na yan, hindi gilbeys ah, naku, may kilala akong nawala sa sariling kontrol. Hayun nagwala sa isang bar. Biruin mo, ang ingay-ingay na niya, ung iniinom niya, ginagawa niyang fountain. Sa bawat paglagapak niya kasi ng kanyang basong may lamang alak sa mesa, sa amin tumitilapon. Ayun, para kaming binibendisyunan ng alak. Mabait naman ung kakilala kung yon. Sobrang bait talaga. Wala kang masabi. Un lang talaga.

Sobrang badtrip kasi siya sa aanga-anga umanong babaeng dahilan para magipit siya sa gastusin. Plus iba pang pasanin sa buhay.hehe. At naiintindihan ko naman. Mahirap talagang mabadtrip.

Minsan din, nakakatawa ang mga katangahan ng tao, pasensya sa word. Minsan, natatawa rin ako sa sarili ko dahil may katangahan din ako. Pero mas malala ung iba na kakilala ko, grabe, parang walang sariling utak. Parang robot na utusan, walang diskarte, walang sariling palo kumbaga. Hindi pa siya cute. Pero hindi naman siya kawawa. May pag-asa naman siguro siyang magbago.

Basta ganun, halos ganun ‘yung nangyayari sa paligid ko. Pero siyempre, ang dami din namang hindi malilimutang kaganapan kumbaga. Da best siyempre ung sama-sama kayong nagpipigar-pigar sa Galvan. Hanep, parang may fiesta lagi ang tropa sa tabi ng kalsada. Lately lang, fishball sa tabi ng sementeryo habang naghihintay na sumalang sa ilaw at kamera. Masarap kumain.

Enjoy din ung kuwentuhan lang sa kapihan. Naku, eto, naalala ko, ung bump car. Ang sarap pa lang magbump-car lalo na kung mga kasama mo medyo may edad na rin, I mean, ung mga may anak at pamilya na. Hanep ang trip, ako sobrang sumakit tiyan ko sa kakatuwa nun. Uulitin ko un sa lalong madaling panahon. Ang sarap kayang maging bata.

Pero kalungkot din maging bata minsan. Na-realize ko yan nung may mga namatay sa dengue, nalunod, ung mga batang nabubuhay sa limos at tira-tirang pagkain. Yung mga batang binabato ng paso kaya’y pumutok at namaga ang noo. Hindi lang awa siguro ang mararamdaman mo sa bawat biktima ng abortion. Ang daming kwento ng pagkabata at minurang bata sa kanto. Sana matupad din nila ang kanilang pangarap.

Uy, gusto ko pa lang makapunta sa Batanes, dulo ng Luzon. Wala lang, gusto ko lang makita ang itsura ng Batanes na laging sikat dahil sa mga bagyong dumadaan sa Pilipinas. Pangarap ko din pa lang makapunta sa hindi ko pa nakikitang lola ko sa mother side. Biruin mo, sa Quezon province lang siya, di ko man lang mapuntahan. Pero pangako ko yan sa sarili ko, pupuntahan ko siya… Wish ko lang, hindi pa huli ang lahat.

Lalo pa’t wala na atang lugar na hindi nalulubog sa baha. Kung hindi naman baha, pagguho ng lupa. Kung hindi naman kalamidad, giyera. Bahagi ng buhay habang nasa mundong ibabaw. Makasalanan kasi. Pero may heaven naman, tulad ng pagkakaroon din ng hell. Dapat alam mo lang kung saan ang byahe mo.

Gusto ko talagang bumyahe. Kung marami lang akong pera, naku, kung saan-saan na siguro ako napunta. May goal pala ako tungkol sa pagbabyahe. At least 50 provinces sa Pilipinas mapuntahan ko. So far, 15 pa lang na probinsya ang masasabi kong napuntahan ko. Ung sa NCR, binilang ko lang as 1. Asa ka pa!?

Self-centered ba ako? Hindi naman siguro. Hindi naman siguro masamang lumigaya at kahit papaano makaramdam ng sense of fulfillment. Nasubukan ko rin namang maglingkod ng libre at bukal sa loob sa aking kapwa. Hindi rin madali un ah. Pero da best. Masasabi kong ang sumunod sa kalooban ng Diyos at maglingkod ng buong puso at lakas ang isa, kung hindi man ang pinakamaligayang karanasan sa yugto ng aking buhay. Nami-miss ko yun ng sobra. Ung tipong hindi mo agad nakukuha ung gusto mo, un bang kailangan mo talagang magtiyaga, maghintay, at huminga ng malalim para mapasakamay mo ang ung tinatamasa.

Hindi siya madali. Lalo kung mag-isa ka lang. Kaya nga, madalas sa kadiliman ng gabi, nag-i-imagine ka ng kasama, nang kayakap, at siyempre, alam mo na un. Para hindi ka mabangungot, sinasabi mo na lang sa sarili mo, darating yan. At naniniwala ka naman talaga.

Basta, may bukas pa. Kaya mali ung unang entrada ko sa sulating ito na “hanggang dito na lamang ba ako?” Kasi hindi eh. Alam mo naman ang sagot. Alam ko din… †

A wanderer’s tale

Almost every time I open the door of my pad, dogs and cats are all waiting for some food to eat. Unfortunately, they cannot depend on me for the reason that I seldom cook my own food. I spend more than half of my day outside my shelter working and traveling to news gather. I just open the door for the air to at least fume inside my pad, and be refreshed due to the suffocated aura of my room’s solitude.

Watching these dogs and cats flirt with one another drives me into a playful fantasy. It feels good to film these creatures enjoy their very animal instinct, with all their caresses and affection. Like human, they also have blood circulating from all over their body; sensation is obviously manifested in their cuddling. Because I could not offer them hope for their stomach, all I can do is to have an eye-to-eye contact with them. Their eyes are colorful than mine, admittedly.

Sitting in my wooden chair with my feet wide open, my sight takes me into the single, old flower frame nailed on the wall. It’s like the green curtain that seems to lose its glow for so long displayed. It’s also like wisdom unsharpened because of the books that are forever shelved. In the middle of the sala is a small stand that supports the most read magazines I have. And I just want to travel in stellar space I’ve never been into...

Since boredom weakens me all the more, I found myself traveling in the city of pines for the nth time. My mom got so concerned about my traveling late at night, given the discomfort of the roads devastated by the recent typhoon Pepeng. I reasoned my over familiarity with the place where I’d go, and that’s enough assurance for her to sleep unperturbedly.

My eyes were opened the whole journey. Noticeably, there were few vehicles traveling via Kennon road. Despite the evident danger, the driver really braved the bumpy roads with shifting speed. My eyes saw the ruins of the houses enveloped by the series of landslides. Road cuts greeted us several times. But instead of fear, I was comforted upon looking at the moon peeking on us as it rams into the trees while we’re in motion. The serenity of the night signals the much-awaited respite I longed for.

I found myself haggling at the ukay-ukay area. I bought nothing but the thrill of bargaining. I then treaded back and forth the Session road, no itinerary, just following wherever my feet would lead me. Two cups of brewed coffee were such a delight. Afterwards, I walked again.

Drunkards roamed around the city even though it’s Sunday. Twenty-four hour café, bars and resto were never spoiled of customers. Smokers were like natural mannequins. Cabs were so dependable especially for those unable to bring themselves home. With my hands inside my jacket and its hood giving warmth to my neck, the cool breeze of midnight Baguio was so irresistible I could just hate myself for being romantically unattached with someone.

It was a solace for me to be alone. But being an average introvert was never an excuse for my whim and yen of exploring the magic of touch, of love. I could just love myself for being me, but I could also just blame myself for not being one.

It was about 2am that I realized I was heeding nowhere. I stopped at the lamppost, gasping for breath, with smoke-like fog coming out of my mouth. The place I travelled was so familiar but there’s a sort of uncertainty that hindered me from lavishing the bliss of Baguio. Its mist was so peculiar it failed to give joy to my heart.Probably, the city is still recuperating from the catastrophe caused by the typhoon.

Waffles with butter and syrup halted my stomach’s grumbling for food. I needed to pause before my feet and legs collapsed from over fatigue. I walked the distance, and I saw much. Indeed, I considered myself a wanderer in my own comfort zone…

All along, I thought my ten-hour adventure in the mountain resort city of Amianan was real. But the dogs and cats outside my pad are still waiting for me to feed them. All I could do was to see them eye-to-eye, and test who among us would shed tears. †

In pursuit of happiness

I can no longer write. They say just write through streams of consciousness but my shattered thoughts kept me nowhere. I can’t even figure out what topic to write, what feeling is outstanding, what emotion drives me in sanity. I can’t focus. I can’t even smile, and worst, I want to cry yet no tears seem to fall down.

I crave to express what my soul wishes to articulate. My soul so longs for happiness, for pleasure, for ecstasy. It seems boredom has been tired to replace my melancholy. Happiness has no effect with my desire to be satisfied. How elusive happiness is for people who just want to make sense of earthly blessings promised to be available for those predestined by the Creator?

I don’t want to be desperate in pursuit of happiness. I just want to feel and lavish it. I just want to be satisfied knowing who I am, no insecurity, just fulfilled. Do I have to search for it, or I just have to wait for it? Or do we have to settle on the opinion that happiness is not for everyone? Why do I put questions about happiness? Is it not the answer to one’s misery and discontentment?

I let other people define what happiness is. And I sense, they’re also in search for it:

What is happiness? Does it exist? If it does, why, then, crying is essential to most of us mortals? Maybe happiness is just an idea that we ought to be felt; thus we invented this word and included in our memory bank. I guess we invented it for the sake of trying to feel it.
In every song and in every poetry, there is always an epitome of happiness. (Allister)

At times I find happiness within my solitude but being alone wasn’t enough. This comes in every bit of something that we don’t expect and most of the times, being ignored. One thing is for sure, it comes with fulfillment. I know I’m not yet there but who knows maybe soon. (Darix)

I heard it many times that death is the gateway to happiness. And some philosophical fools would just commit suicide to experience it, and prove that happiness exists. But such foolishness I will never do, because I believe that life on earth should be like you tasted heaven as if your first time you kiss goodbye.

I hope one day my queries on happiness would come into halt. I hope one day I would find the answer from other people, because I am already desperate that I couldn’t discover it myself. I hope one day someone, somebody, will just be my happiness. Good thing, my Lord is not only my happiness, but my joy. †

Place of ministry

I’ve been longing for a specific area where I could participate in the ministry of God. After reckoning that I still have ample time despite the nature of my job, I can’t still find myself acting in motion. I don’t want to take the initiative because I know in my heart that my passion has been consumed and needs refreshing. I just want first to observe, explore, test the waters. I don’t want to be double-minded, unstable of everything I do.

Start where you are. I so believe the Lord placed me in this very influential market place. The power of words, the promise of hope, the truth uncovered, the odds of reality, the magic of corruption: these are experiences and opportunities I am privileged to savor, but sometimes, wish have gone through filtering and cleansing to protect my innocent mind. These are all part of the journey in this fallen world…

I am missing the thrill of ministering to the students in campus. For five years, campus ministry has been my ground for serving, learning, and fun. It has been my springboard, my renaissance in the mystery of spirituality. It’s also the period where I started to become a world Christian (different from worldly Christian) having the taste of heaven in this cruel and tempting world.

I thought I couldn’t perform anything good after that. But I notice I can still integrate my training in campus ministry with my present work environment. I still perform the function of being a “kuya” to the younger ones, and a friend to colleagues. If I would become more discerning to their needs and be still to know that the Lord is at work, nurturing a Christian community in the company is possible.

Work is work. Job has to be performed excellently. I am just delighted to know that I am not the only one who offers our work for the glory of the Lord. That we are not working just to earn money, but to earn the nod of God.

In one meeting with IVCF staff workers, I felt the urge of participating again in the campus ministry. In another church activity for the students, I thought I would be out-of-place since I was with teenagers, but i was wrong. I enjoyed very much their company. I said, “di pa ako matanda, I can still relate to them.” I can still sing their songs, dance their moves, and laugh out loud. I believe I shouldn’t forget the freshness and fire young people exude in their worship with God. It made me wonder that these were things that I did before, and makes me glad today. †

Time ticks quickly

Time is ticking so quickly. Few days from now, it will be the BER months, the so-called happiest and grandest months to come in a year. We are inspired to count our days as if it were our last days. There’s really wisdom on this principle, however, why bother counting your days if you’re enjoying every tick of the clock that transpires? As long as you’re with the presence of the Lord, I believe you’re in good hands.

Life is like a laptop that needs refreshing and updating. Every day is like a sunshine that never promises to radiate in its fullest. Sometimes, it’s being blocked by the moving cloud full of moist and rains, ready to pour out once filled. Life is unpredictable. People say expect the unexpected, but I would say expect the best as long as you’re doing what God wants you to do.

Life is not about living for one self. Life is about sharing the beat of your heart with other people. It’s sharing a part of you for other’s to live. It’s love tenderly shared; it is fountain that flows steadily, like a jar waiting to be filled with abundant water.

Time is the most fluid element on earth. Tell me something at this very hour, but in the next few hours, it becomes different.

Just chill out until you can, and never regret the things that cause you to smile and chuckle. Sometimes, just ponder on what you call life’s stupidity; it may be an ingredient of the game called life. Pardon my shattered thoughts… †

Also a proud Filipino because of Cory Aquino

The passing of former President Corazon Aquino manifested the glory and pride of being a Filipino. One more time, aside from the well-known Senator Benigno Aquino’s assassination and Manny Pacquiao’s victory on the boxing arena, Filipinos showed unity amidst political and economic crisis Philippines has at present.

The thousands of people who followed the last moments of Cory up to her tomb are very loyal, enduring, sacrificial, and loving citizens of the country Cory had fought for during her time. Cory just received the honor she deserved; I’m just not sure if she expected the crowd who witnessed her passing. But definitely, I believed she’s at peace wherever she is right now. Bow:)

“Ako’y nagpapasalamat sa inyong lahat at lalong-lalo na sa Panginoong Diyos, na ginawa niya akong isang Pilipino. Talagang karangalan ko iyon, na maging katulad niyo at maraming salamat sa lahat ng tulong na ibinigay niyo sa akin." – Corazon C. Aquino (1933 – 2009)

This statement really makes me a proud Filipino. Thank you Cory Aquino… Amen! Amen!

Times of Refreshing

It was such a brief yet meaningful reunion of some Baguio friends. The warm atmosphere, the new group game (cranium club), the delectable dish, the hot tea/coffee, the familiar faces I dearly love and cherish… I was trying hard to find myself comfortable with their presence. It seemed I so missed the nobleness of friendship being breached by distance. But It’s always there, I believe.

The times of teasing quickened my pretension. I really couldn’t deny or hide things from them. Though some things changed, I noticed we’re still united in harmony. The one spirit continues to bind us into one community, redeemed by the same blood shed by Christ Jesus. Indeed, if I could really boast, I should boast the name of the Lord.

Thanks for the gift of friendship. And sorry for my shortcomings. Thank you for your prayer, folks. And pardon my ignorance of self-sufficiency. The journey continues, and I hope I won’t pass through the wide gates. Bow!