Next time your story

I am now a broadcast journalist, and I love what I do. But sometimes, I am not just contented with the salary I am getting out of my job. It’s not really enough to sustain my cravings for coffee and cakes, my leisure to watch movie at least twice a week, and my desperation to travel outside the AOR at least once a month, and be out of the country for tour once a year.

I do not even have savings that can assure me of not having to work for at least three months, enough time to look for a new job, just in case. But I’m working that out, the saving thing, hehe. Don’t worry, I love my work, and I’ll be staying until my heart tells me so.

I dream of a mazda car, but as an urgent need and desire, a second-hand wheel is alright with me. At least I would be spared of unintentional chitchats when I am inside of a public transport. I feel uneasy when people around seem to be talking about me, a so-called mini-celebrity. Good or bad, I’m not comfortable. Thank you if it’s just an assumption, and sorry if I pretend too much. Anyway, I claim to have one before this year ends. Mark your calendar, my generous God will provide me one.

But will I be happy for eternity if I have one? Why I become so materialistic? Am I? Why not? Hmmmm.  Maybe, I forgot the joy and fulfillment of serving the Lord. But I know that I need one, I just want to know my priority. But for now, I have to be contented of what I have and be wise in using them.

Professionally speaking, I want to be recognized as one who performs his job excellently. I want to write again, and be awarded in a prestigious writing contest. But hey me, I don’t do anything. I don’t even write for the past years; my reading habit also dwindles. This desire of winning I traced back since college seems to be overdue. And I want to achieve it ASAP. I can do it. But for whose glory? Another question that I know answers will point me to the giver of gifts and talents. Don’t be deceived: “for everything in the world – the cravings of sinful man, the lust of his eyes and the boasting of what he has and does – comes not from the Father but from the world. “ (1 Jn.2:16)

And Yes, I am turning silver this March, still single, and most of the times happy. Praise God. I have to say I do not enjoy when I flirt with someone, sometimes. Forgive me. I can’t feel the spark and the LOVE, it’s so superficial. I want to feel what love really means and what love can do to change me. I confess I have dated ladies, to get to know them, and feel if one of them is God’s gift for me. But I can’t teach my heart, I can’t see the heart of the Lord to any one of those I dated.  Lord, you know my heart’s desire. I pray that I wouldn’t miss the girl that You have prepared for me; I know you only give the best, and with an expectant heart, I claim your promises. Pag-ibig nga naman!

I have a lot of things in mind, hopefully not load of craps. I want to do many things, but you are correct that the simplicities of things are sometimes the most meaningful ones. 

And I notice I always speak about me. Don’t worry, next time I’ll tell stories of others, of family, of friends, of work, of ministry, and more of God. †

East Asia Graduates Conference 2010 in Hong Kong

Travel light, travel with peace. This was what I put in mind with my first foreign trip for East Asia Graduates Conference (EAGC2010) held in Hong Kong. The trip was just less than two hours, same time zone, as if I was just travelling to Baguio City for a regular news coverage. I convinced myself that I need not fear despite travelling alone, because the God of shalom is in and with me.

The Philippine Delegates

The flight going to Hong Kong, considered to be the world’s freest economy, was smooth and easy. I never encountered interventions or difficulty at the immigration, which is opposite to some of Philippine delegates’ experience. Still, we met altogether at the Noah’s Ark, the venue for the 5-day conference, safe and sound. PTL! 

The conference was attended by at least 14 countries in East Asia. It’s a gathering of mix culture, a fiesta of uniqueness and diversity, indeed a real God’s assembly! Most of the delegates have physical resemblances. I was mistaken to be an Indonesian thrice, which connects me to my oriental roots, and directs me to the issue of national identity. It’s really hard to pinpoint one, particular identity for an archipelagic nation like the Philippines! But we’re not alone, other countries too!

Identity!

In the session of Dr. Stephen Lee, an associate professor for Biblical Studies, he led me to re-affirm my identity in Christ, that by the grace and redemption of Jesus Christ, I am set apart, a chosen people, a royal priesthood (1 Pet. 2:9). It is the Lord himself who called us to be who we are, to be who I am – a saint! This could antagonize some mainstream religious perspective of a saint, an issue of canonization, etcetera; but this is really who we are!

As a Christian graduate in the marketplace, I also learned that success does not equate to my significance. It doesn’t make me one when I am successful or not; my significance lies in the fact that I am a child of God.

I am struck with God’s word: “Anyone who sets himself up as religious by talking a good game is self-deceived. This kind of religion is hot air and only hot air. Real religion that passes muster before God the Father is this: Reach out to the homeless and loveless in their plight, and guard against corruption from the Godless world.” (James 1:26-27, The Message) If I am a saint in the marketplace, my destiny is to be sanctified for a mission, that is, to be salt and light where I am, a pro-active, yet uncorrupted professional, despite all the temptations of the world. This is possible, and can be achieved even in your own distinct context.

The workshop “The role of Christian graduates in social movements and poverty” facilitated by Kuya Jose Silvestre Gonzales from the Philippines even enlightened the reason why the Lord puts me in the field of media. It reaffirms my commitment for social justice, truth and transparency. 

Showing the video clip of Efren Peñaflorida, the CNN Hero of the Year for 2009, I was teary-eyed, not only because of the poor’s plight in their access to education, but because the Lord can work in the hearts of man, to effect change and impact the community.

Accordingly, “poverty is pronounced deprivation in well being. To be poor is to be hungry, to lack shelter and clothes, to be sick and not cared for, to be illiterate and not be schooled. Poor people live without fundamental freedom of action and choice that the better off take for granted.” But the most insidious kind of poverty is the poverty of hope. Take their hope, and the poor people become poorer as they don’t have anything to live up for.

I am a witness of this kind of poverty in my news gathering and coverage. Despite my objective approach to the reality of the scene, I am never numbed to feel what their hearts want to say. I won’t deny that more than once in my coverage, I just couldn’t help myself but shed tears for the picture of helplessness and hopelessness posed upon me. It is not easy to listen to their requests, to their pleas, as if I can do much. But I realized that it is exactly the reason why the Lord puts me where I am today.

In Mr. Mark Greene’s session, it is the strategic value of my work as a broadcast journalist that I must be grateful for. It is not mere reporting that I do, but I represent the Lord in the way I touch people’s heart, by listening, by empathizing, by triggering their dying hopes to come into full spirit. Indeed, every contact leaves a trace. 

I can therefore view my work as my ministry. This is my context where I can enhance and transform my mission, and love in action. It is true that the workplace consumes so much of our time, energy and focus; but it is also the place where we can beat the odds, develop and grow in holiness. The marketplace is part of God’s redemption where saints are sanctified for a mission.

With other tongue

My small group is composed of a cardiologist from Vietnam, a human resource personnel in a government hospital in Hong Kong, an accountant from Mongolia, a church worker from China, a once Korean soldier but now a teacher, and a former IT professional turned into coffee business from Hong Kong. 

We had different stories to learn from each other. But what is clear to us, I believe, is the fact that we are blessed to have work to bless others in return. Thanks for the presents and for sharing your stories!

Special Interest Group: Media

I had interesting interactions with delegates under the media group. Each country has a different view of the role and function of media in their country. For some countries, the Press is somehow controlled by their government, restricted, bounded by regulations. Others do not put high regard with the role of Media in nation building and good governance. Still quite few respect media as a powerful domain, a catalyst for social change and truth. In general and my personal POV, I regard media in the Philippines as highly respected and trusted by people. But I also believe that there is still a need to police the very ranks of the media, and guard its very essence as protected by the Constitution. (My apology and prerogative for not identifying the countries represented) 

Food, City Tour, Macau

The whole duration of the conference was like a fiesta! We were never starved of food. Even though I am not used to eating their food, I tasted almost everything. I liked their desserts, coffee and tea even more! J

In The Peak, you can see the majestic view of sky rise buildings of Hong Kong and its surroundings. It’s a picture of a First World country. But somehow in the conference, someone posed a question whether it is a reality or an illusion, because of the heightened disparity of the rich and the poor in Hong Kong. Nevertheless, it’s a blessed trip, mounted with great experiences and lessons learned.

After the conference, together with two families from the Philippines and another Philippine delegate, we went to Macau by ferry. It’s almost an hour trip. We’re blessed to be accompanied by Mr. Thomas of Macau. He toured us to various tourist and significant sites of Macau.

Macau’s grandiosity is magnified at night, with its splendid casino buildings covered by an array of lights. But of course, Macau is not all about casinos. There is much to see like the beach in Coloane, the Westin resort, Sai Van, the borders of Macau and Mainland China, the A-ma Temple, the busy, shopping streets, among others. Honestly, I like Macau’s friendliness than Hong Kong’s. J

The favor of the Lord does not end there. We experienced His grace when we were boarding at the ferry to get back to Hong Kong the day after. We didn’t have enough HK dollar for two ferry tickets, and we failed to change our US dollars at the money changer because it was still closed. I realized we’re too early for the 7am trip, but we needed that early trip because our group in Hong Kong was waiting for us. I believed it's God’s intervention that somebody had to sell his ticket for us at a cheaper price, therefore, completing the fare we needed to buy two tickets. The moment we reached Hong Kong’s terminal, I quickly searched for the money changer, and bartered my remaining US Dollars. There I felt that the money in my wallet already had a buying power! Haha

The last day in Hong Kong

My last day in Hong Kong was the shopping day! It’s innate for Filipinos to buy something for their family, friends and officemates. We call it PASALUBONG. No matter how simple the pasulobong is, the receiver will always be thankful and happy to have one. Of course, I couldn’t be gracious and loving to all by giving everyone a pasalubong. Budgetary constraints so to speak, hehe.

But I am giving those who haven’t received a pasalubong from me my stories: how the Lord has blessed my trip, how He directed my path to realize my role as a Christian graduate, how the Lord works in and through the saints from every tongue and tribe, and how every Christian graduate can be sanctified for a mission in the marketplace. Allow me also to thank those who support my EAGC trip, financially and prayerfully. Thank you and God bless you steadfastly. Pray with me as well as I continue to discern the plans of the Lord for me, regarding my work and ministry opportunities.

By the way, Hong Kong and Macau are two rich countries. But I think my heart’s beating belongs to someone of a Pinay beauty! Just kiddingJ

Mabuhay and God bless! † 

Run for a Cause

I was one of the last registrants for the 34^th Milo Marathon in Dagupan City. It was only for the favor of a friend’s  friend who happened to be part of the organizing team of the marathon that I was officially registered in the 10k category. I preferred that category, first, because there’s no more available shirt for 5K that suited me, and second, I thought 10k was just enough for me.

I was so excited to run, jog, and walk that I slept late. I’ve got only 4 hours sleep before the run. I was at the assembly at 5:30am, and I felt so young surrounded by youngsters. I didn’t know where to go, where to place my backpack. Thanks to the foreigner, an Iranian I guessed, who directed me to the assembly where the 10K runners were located. I pinned my bib number 10225 quickly and looked for my place. At exactly 6am, we’re all running…

It was never my goal to win the marathon. I definitely knew that I cannot outsmart and outrun those policemen, army, and real marathoners. I just wanted to run, to participate and help give shoes to less fortunate children. I just wanted to celebrate that Sunday for a cause. And yes, it’s also my father’s birthday! (July 11)

There were funny moments during the run. Few meters away from the starting line, policemen and even, women, had to hide from a safe corner to pee along the Lucao-Pantal-Dawel diversion road. They didn’t mind the hundreds of runners passing through them. I, myself, had to catch the perfect timing and place where I could pee.

Because I ran alone, there were times that I had to be in cadence to other runners. I wanted to talk to my fellow runners. Then I came to know that some runners joined for compliance, and they were complaining for another sacrifice. I also heard the discourse of those policewomen with “clean cuts”, irritated because they were mistaken to be men by watchers.

There were people teasing, clapping, and yelling to show their support. Some were surprised to see me running, some took pictures of and with me. Some told me that I should have run together with my cameraman. But honestly, I was serious and wondering then if I could finish the 10k run. “Mukhang napasubo ata ako ah,” I said to myself.

I praised God for the hydration station where every runner could drink. Sweat all over the body was indeed noticeable to every runner. That’s why disposable cups were scattered during and after the run, and putting it at the proper place was inevitably forgotten. I think not every runner knew their purpose of running. But if it’s for the sake of fun and enjoyment, it really was.

An activity like this gives me a time for reflection. While running, I thought of completing the task the Lord has entrusted me to do. I realized I am failing, and I always disappoint Him. But I also realized the reason why I keep on running, why resting and taking it slow were sometimes needed. Because the moment I entered the finish line, I could still consider myself a victor. I finished the 10k run, and it’s an achieved goal.

It’s a reality that people have different strides. Sometimes, they take it fast, others take it slow. I believe what is important is how you accomplish your goal in life, with faithfulness, sincerity and trust.

I admire those who run fast, and finish the race still with strength and vigor.  I might be the last one running in the 10k category, but I don’t envy those who run ahead of me. I am contended with what I have accomplished because I know my goal. Besides, I’m not in a hurry. And God, in my life, isn’t in a hurry too. †

(Sorry for the late posting) :)

A son's salute to his father

What’s stopping my father to go home and leave his work in Saudi? All his potential years are spent working away from us. He is not getting younger anymore. In fact, he already had mild stroke causing him to be confined and nobody from among his family members, for proximity reasons, took care of him. That would be another agonizing factor for him to feel sorry and down.

But he’s so strong. I admire his endurance and sacrifices. I admire how he keeps his sanity intact. I admire his fatherhood. But I’d rather have him with us though.

Time is more precious than gold. Almost a cliché but it’s never been fully understood. The significance of time spent to cultivate relationship, the value of time you shared to listen, the essence of time devoted for loving, matter so much to busy people. Time is the reason why I want my father home. Time is the reason why we want him home.

I do not want to reiterate the important events in our lives, in my life specifically, where he is absent. That’s equivalent to blaming him, and how dare me if I do. We just want to spend quality time with him. Before, we’re just six in the family. Now, he has three grandchildren, innocent but longing for a grandfather’s caress.

We long for his presence. I want to enter the next chapter of my life with him giving me advices. I want him to see how persistent we are in helping ourselves, because we know that he’ll be happy when he sees us growing and improving. I want him to see life from the very comfort of his home, a place he so loves to linger and stay. I want him feel relaxed, a word I surely bet he seldom enjoys. The more I say of the things I want my father to enjoy and experience, the more I miss him. “It cuts like a knife,” if I may borrow from a song, is how I feel whenever I cite my hopes for him. It makes me sad. It makes me teary-eyed.

Today is his special day. I just don’t know how he would celebrate this day. But as a son who, I believe, grows in love and respect, I honor him. I want to salute him for his sacrifices, for his love, for enduring so much pain and sorrow. Indeed, you are a hero, ‘Pa. I love you! †

My Half Year

Because of at least one person who reads my blog, I decided to scribble again online. I cannot sum up all the events of my life for the past months, but I can conclude that God has been faithful and good to me. I can declare the glorious riches of God in my life: the family I have, the gift of work, the friendship, the people I’ve met who touched my life, and hopes I shared to ordinary folks. I want to shout the works of the Lord in and through my life!

Half of the year is almost over. Valentines. Panagbenga Festival. Graduation. Birthday. Holy Week. Automated Election. Vacations! All these events were indeed wonderful. I can sense the Lord had blessed with me so much fun and adventure I almost forgot to declare it. Why do I have to? Because with a heart full of gratitude comes the realization that the Lord is alive and very much concerned with my affairs.

I had a lot of first times, too. I was not fortunate to participate in the automated election, the first ever in the country, but I still consider my participation of covering the election as part of the history. I served as a watchdog for a clean, honest, and credible election, despite some allegations of fraud. But what overshadowed the stressful election was the reality that there are still more people who hope for a better country, hungry and craving for genuine reform and transformation.

Scuba diving is fantastic. Being one with nature, underwater in particular, creates a realm so good to be inhabited. Of course, that’s just for sea creatures, unless Atlantika exists:) Pagudpud beach and windmill in Bangui, Ilocos Norte are also exceptional places to visit. Bolinao is a haven as well. The historical Corregidor Island is worth-exploring too.

So much travel, so much fun. It’s probably a wake-up call why I suffered influenza this week, causing me to be off-cam for three days. Haha. Since there is always a reason for everything, I would just accept the situation that this is my present, my now, the moment the Lord wants me to be. †

Almost a Love Story

We started as very good friends. We went to the same university, we belonged to the same organization. We both studied communication, I majored journalism while she concentrated on speech communication. She’s always at the top of the class. Sometimes, I served as her sidekick, critic, scrutinizer, pessimistic buddy. I seldom appreciate her, until now.

I used to be the alaskador, the one pissing her off mostly. I deprived her of affirmation which I learned to do after series of leadership camps. Few words of endearment are not expected to come from me. But I was one of the privileged few who could dare give “sound” advice. I really wasn’t the sweetest friend she had. But I think I was one of the most concerned when it comes to her welfare and being.

We’ve been together as block mates for four years, while six years and counting as best friends. That long friendship made me wonder if our relationship can extend beyond friends. I never really told her my true feeling, until one time when I so enjoyed her company, I attempted to express my feeling. That’s one of my courageous moves, but ironically turned out to be the most coward act of mine. I failed to be true to my words, I lacked action, I was faithless. I never really pursued her. I never made efforts to show how much I cared for her. I did not win her heart.

I told myself I would wait for her. It’s my self-covenant, between me and my heart, my patience versus my desire, my faith versus pride, that no matter what, I would wait for her. But again, my foolishness! She never knew I was waiting, she never knew I wanted her heart. I assumed she knew that I cared for her. Maraming namamatay sa maling akala. Indeed, my heart died after she got committed in a relationship with somebody few months later.

My heart broke into pieces. It’s my first time to be so hurt emotionally. I realized how much I loved her, but it was too late. I became so depressed I hurt myself as well. I did crazy things, madly crazy I almost lost my faith in God. I resorted to seeking happiness with worldly friends. That was the time my drinking of alcohol perked up. It was also the time when I got into smoking, into bars, into exploring my curiosity. I was downhearted, dispirited. I missed God’s direction for me. It was hard for me to affirm my purpose and goal in life. It seemed everything collapsed with her absence and commitment with somebody else.

But I am now okay. Few months of moving on made me a better person, I believe. I never blame her for what I’ve gone through. It was my entire fault, it was all my cowardice, it was all me to blame.

Honestly, I could say I am glad for her new love journey. Kung saan siya masaya, masaya na rin ako. She taught me a lot, I learned a lot, and I know, when the time comes that I’ll be ready for a relationship, I will make sure that I will really mean it. I’ll be more careful now with my words, and so with my actions. I don’t want to practice and have some warm-ups in looking for a girl. I want committed relationship. I love to say, it’s just there, but I also believe I should make it come true. It requires effort, action, determination, guts, prayer, faith.

This is my short “almost a love story.” I’ll tell you my love story, sooner. †

- From Anonymous (hehe)

Think Straight

Think straight.
Stop being a bum.
Enough is enough.
You’re just wasting your time, spirit and resources to some non-sense, impractical habits.
Remember your first love, why you exist, why you move.
Limit pleasure seeking. Be balance. Be healthy.
Be inspired. Always smile. Pray.
Be disciplined.
Achieve your goals, excellently.
Rest when tired. Take time to relax. Walk.
Think of adventure and traveling.
Be positive. Minus the vices. Grow and Multiply. End arguments and division.
Halleluiah! Lord of Heaven and Earth.
You know my name. You see my tears. You comfort me.
Your presence is like heaven, a haven.
Bow. †

Dreaming of Saints

For the past few nights, I’ve been dreaming of godly people. I couldn’t tell exactly the content of my dreams, but in the midst of my dreams, I‘ve seen these people, and had few conversations along the way. Most of the times, they appeared in my dreams when I was in the point of activity, rushing things, running, and taking time to rest. Then I found myself having conversation with them, and as I was enjoying their company, call of nature or some other external factors disturbed my hibernation. My dreams halted in the most abrupt circumstances. Sometimes, I lied down again to dream, but my dreams seem to have no replay.

I dreamt of one of my pastors in the church. I met him when I first attended Victory church in Dagupan. I still attend church service but we haven’t talked lately.

Just last night, I dreamt of Archbishop Oscar Cruz, the retired archbishop of Lingayen-Dagupan. I had several encounters with Archbishop Cruz during TV interviews. He was very accommodating, very kind, bold in telling the truth. He advocates service, charity, and justice. I love when he laughs and his life is so full of passion and compassion. I don’t know why I dreamt of him last night. But I’m glad I had him in my dreams. †

Sa background ng Feels So Good ni Chuck Mangione

Hanggang dito na lang ba ako? Araw-araw, paggising sa umaga o di kaya’y pagbangon sa gabi, maghahanap ng balita. Balitang kailangan ng taong malaman, balitang kailangan ko rin para sumuweldo para may pangkape at pang-pizza kahit dalawang beses isang lingo.

Masaya naman ako sa ginagawa ko. Nakasakay sa crew cab, bababa, dala-dala ang micropono para mag-interview, mag-take down notes, o di kaya’y i-type na lang sa cellphone dahil hindi maatupag bumili ng tikler.

Pagkatapos, babalik sa istasyon, mag-script, magboses, magbantay sa editing saglit, kung sasalang sa live report, ayun, may overtime kahit papaano. Kakain sa gabi, kung nagkayayaan, gigimik kung saan, tsaka balik sa lungga.

Magpapahinga sa saglit, basa-basa ng konti, maliligo, magcocomputer habang nakikinig sa nakaka-inlove na tunog ng Summertime at Feels so Good, at maya-maya’y pipikit na, tsaka mananaginip ng kung anu-ano.

Ganito ulit kinabukasan. May bahagyang pagkakaiba lang. Pero parang ganun din. Medyo okay na nakakasawa. Basta kulang. Kulang talaga. Hindi ko matanggap na ginawa akong kawangis ng Diyos para lang magtrabaho at kumain at matulog.

Sabagay, minsan, nakakataba rin ng puso ang nakikilala ka ng tao dahil sa paglitaw mo sa tv halos araw-araw. Pero hindi rin, minsan, gusto mong magtakip ng mukha dahil pagsakay mo sa jeep o bus, halos lahat ng tao, nakatingin sa ‘yo. Nahihiya ka dahil mukha ka ng ngarag, magko-commute ka gawa ng hindi makabili ng kotse ang suweldo mo. Hindi nila alam na gusto mong magpahinga, at walang panahon para makipagtsamihan kung nasa byahe.

Hindi naman ako nagsisisi sa kinahinatnan ng buhay ko sa edad na 23. Kung tutuusin, marami na rin akong natutunan, nalaman, karanasang maikukuwento sa mga gustong makarinig ng kwento. Marami na rin akong nakilalang tao, nakaing kakaibang pagkain, nalagok na alak. Masarap ang gilbeys beer para sa akin sa totoo lang.

Pero wag ka, dahil sa alak na yan, hindi gilbeys ah, naku, may kilala akong nawala sa sariling kontrol. Hayun nagwala sa isang bar. Biruin mo, ang ingay-ingay na niya, ung iniinom niya, ginagawa niyang fountain. Sa bawat paglagapak niya kasi ng kanyang basong may lamang alak sa mesa, sa amin tumitilapon. Ayun, para kaming binibendisyunan ng alak. Mabait naman ung kakilala kung yon. Sobrang bait talaga. Wala kang masabi. Un lang talaga.

Sobrang badtrip kasi siya sa aanga-anga umanong babaeng dahilan para magipit siya sa gastusin. Plus iba pang pasanin sa buhay.hehe. At naiintindihan ko naman. Mahirap talagang mabadtrip.

Minsan din, nakakatawa ang mga katangahan ng tao, pasensya sa word. Minsan, natatawa rin ako sa sarili ko dahil may katangahan din ako. Pero mas malala ung iba na kakilala ko, grabe, parang walang sariling utak. Parang robot na utusan, walang diskarte, walang sariling palo kumbaga. Hindi pa siya cute. Pero hindi naman siya kawawa. May pag-asa naman siguro siyang magbago.

Basta ganun, halos ganun ‘yung nangyayari sa paligid ko. Pero siyempre, ang dami din namang hindi malilimutang kaganapan kumbaga. Da best siyempre ung sama-sama kayong nagpipigar-pigar sa Galvan. Hanep, parang may fiesta lagi ang tropa sa tabi ng kalsada. Lately lang, fishball sa tabi ng sementeryo habang naghihintay na sumalang sa ilaw at kamera. Masarap kumain.

Enjoy din ung kuwentuhan lang sa kapihan. Naku, eto, naalala ko, ung bump car. Ang sarap pa lang magbump-car lalo na kung mga kasama mo medyo may edad na rin, I mean, ung mga may anak at pamilya na. Hanep ang trip, ako sobrang sumakit tiyan ko sa kakatuwa nun. Uulitin ko un sa lalong madaling panahon. Ang sarap kayang maging bata.

Pero kalungkot din maging bata minsan. Na-realize ko yan nung may mga namatay sa dengue, nalunod, ung mga batang nabubuhay sa limos at tira-tirang pagkain. Yung mga batang binabato ng paso kaya’y pumutok at namaga ang noo. Hindi lang awa siguro ang mararamdaman mo sa bawat biktima ng abortion. Ang daming kwento ng pagkabata at minurang bata sa kanto. Sana matupad din nila ang kanilang pangarap.

Uy, gusto ko pa lang makapunta sa Batanes, dulo ng Luzon. Wala lang, gusto ko lang makita ang itsura ng Batanes na laging sikat dahil sa mga bagyong dumadaan sa Pilipinas. Pangarap ko din pa lang makapunta sa hindi ko pa nakikitang lola ko sa mother side. Biruin mo, sa Quezon province lang siya, di ko man lang mapuntahan. Pero pangako ko yan sa sarili ko, pupuntahan ko siya… Wish ko lang, hindi pa huli ang lahat.

Lalo pa’t wala na atang lugar na hindi nalulubog sa baha. Kung hindi naman baha, pagguho ng lupa. Kung hindi naman kalamidad, giyera. Bahagi ng buhay habang nasa mundong ibabaw. Makasalanan kasi. Pero may heaven naman, tulad ng pagkakaroon din ng hell. Dapat alam mo lang kung saan ang byahe mo.

Gusto ko talagang bumyahe. Kung marami lang akong pera, naku, kung saan-saan na siguro ako napunta. May goal pala ako tungkol sa pagbabyahe. At least 50 provinces sa Pilipinas mapuntahan ko. So far, 15 pa lang na probinsya ang masasabi kong napuntahan ko. Ung sa NCR, binilang ko lang as 1. Asa ka pa!?

Self-centered ba ako? Hindi naman siguro. Hindi naman siguro masamang lumigaya at kahit papaano makaramdam ng sense of fulfillment. Nasubukan ko rin namang maglingkod ng libre at bukal sa loob sa aking kapwa. Hindi rin madali un ah. Pero da best. Masasabi kong ang sumunod sa kalooban ng Diyos at maglingkod ng buong puso at lakas ang isa, kung hindi man ang pinakamaligayang karanasan sa yugto ng aking buhay. Nami-miss ko yun ng sobra. Ung tipong hindi mo agad nakukuha ung gusto mo, un bang kailangan mo talagang magtiyaga, maghintay, at huminga ng malalim para mapasakamay mo ang ung tinatamasa.

Hindi siya madali. Lalo kung mag-isa ka lang. Kaya nga, madalas sa kadiliman ng gabi, nag-i-imagine ka ng kasama, nang kayakap, at siyempre, alam mo na un. Para hindi ka mabangungot, sinasabi mo na lang sa sarili mo, darating yan. At naniniwala ka naman talaga.

Basta, may bukas pa. Kaya mali ung unang entrada ko sa sulating ito na “hanggang dito na lamang ba ako?” Kasi hindi eh. Alam mo naman ang sagot. Alam ko din… †

A wanderer’s tale

Almost every time I open the door of my pad, dogs and cats are all waiting for some food to eat. Unfortunately, they cannot depend on me for the reason that I seldom cook my own food. I spend more than half of my day outside my shelter working and traveling to news gather. I just open the door for the air to at least fume inside my pad, and be refreshed due to the suffocated aura of my room’s solitude.

Watching these dogs and cats flirt with one another drives me into a playful fantasy. It feels good to film these creatures enjoy their very animal instinct, with all their caresses and affection. Like human, they also have blood circulating from all over their body; sensation is obviously manifested in their cuddling. Because I could not offer them hope for their stomach, all I can do is to have an eye-to-eye contact with them. Their eyes are colorful than mine, admittedly.

Sitting in my wooden chair with my feet wide open, my sight takes me into the single, old flower frame nailed on the wall. It’s like the green curtain that seems to lose its glow for so long displayed. It’s also like wisdom unsharpened because of the books that are forever shelved. In the middle of the sala is a small stand that supports the most read magazines I have. And I just want to travel in stellar space I’ve never been into...

Since boredom weakens me all the more, I found myself traveling in the city of pines for the nth time. My mom got so concerned about my traveling late at night, given the discomfort of the roads devastated by the recent typhoon Pepeng. I reasoned my over familiarity with the place where I’d go, and that’s enough assurance for her to sleep unperturbedly.

My eyes were opened the whole journey. Noticeably, there were few vehicles traveling via Kennon road. Despite the evident danger, the driver really braved the bumpy roads with shifting speed. My eyes saw the ruins of the houses enveloped by the series of landslides. Road cuts greeted us several times. But instead of fear, I was comforted upon looking at the moon peeking on us as it rams into the trees while we’re in motion. The serenity of the night signals the much-awaited respite I longed for.

I found myself haggling at the ukay-ukay area. I bought nothing but the thrill of bargaining. I then treaded back and forth the Session road, no itinerary, just following wherever my feet would lead me. Two cups of brewed coffee were such a delight. Afterwards, I walked again.

Drunkards roamed around the city even though it’s Sunday. Twenty-four hour café, bars and resto were never spoiled of customers. Smokers were like natural mannequins. Cabs were so dependable especially for those unable to bring themselves home. With my hands inside my jacket and its hood giving warmth to my neck, the cool breeze of midnight Baguio was so irresistible I could just hate myself for being romantically unattached with someone.

It was a solace for me to be alone. But being an average introvert was never an excuse for my whim and yen of exploring the magic of touch, of love. I could just love myself for being me, but I could also just blame myself for not being one.

It was about 2am that I realized I was heeding nowhere. I stopped at the lamppost, gasping for breath, with smoke-like fog coming out of my mouth. The place I travelled was so familiar but there’s a sort of uncertainty that hindered me from lavishing the bliss of Baguio. Its mist was so peculiar it failed to give joy to my heart.Probably, the city is still recuperating from the catastrophe caused by the typhoon.

Waffles with butter and syrup halted my stomach’s grumbling for food. I needed to pause before my feet and legs collapsed from over fatigue. I walked the distance, and I saw much. Indeed, I considered myself a wanderer in my own comfort zone…

All along, I thought my ten-hour adventure in the mountain resort city of Amianan was real. But the dogs and cats outside my pad are still waiting for me to feed them. All I could do was to see them eye-to-eye, and test who among us would shed tears. †